Courage Dear One

if you feel like you lost yours here's how to find some

I vividly remember the first time someone ordered wine service when I worked in a bar. It was the 80’s and I was eighteen. Who the heck ordered wine in a bar back then when we were all listening to Bananarama? Here I thought it was the era of Asti Spumante with a screw-top bottle.

I had no idea how to open a bottle of wine, never mind at the table, without setting the bottle down to pull out the cork. Where I came from we pushed the cork INTO the bottle (whatever you’re thinking you’re probably right, and yes, my tastes did become much more discerning and my table service elevated to a higher standard ). However, I didn’t think twice and headed to the table with mildly shaking hands, the bottle of wine and my not-so-trusty corkscrew to give it my very best shot. Sadly, it quickly became clear if that bottle was going to be opened it best be done by the customer. So I handed it over to them without blinking an eye, they opened their own wine, and we all went on to have a lovely little afternoon in a bar in Alberta in the 80’s.

The audacity of that little newbie server who bravely stepped up to give it a try even though she was clueless! I wonder if I had that much courage when I was younger or if I’m peering through my rose-colored glasses to a distorted view?

I decided to pull one of my favorite posts from the archives because I need this reminder so I hope it’s a welcome read for you too. Please hit the ❤ if it offers you value.

Have you ever thought of courage in the context of your everyday life? I know, it seems kind of strange because the way we traditionally think about courage doesn’t seem as if it would apply to our daily goings on.  And yet…parenting, chronic pain, marriage, being gobsmacked by illness, grief, showing up to the running class for the first time…all of this is courage & bravery in motion. The word courage has a deceptively simple definition: the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty.

Sometimes my kids are very brave, other times I call it something else🤣 At least this time he’s teetering on a rock that appears flat!

Difficulty is relative. I get that.

I fully acknowledge that I, as a middle aged, middle-class, white woman born and raised in Canada, have virtually NO difficulties relative to the rest of the entire world. Yet, the very definition of courage calls me to develop a quality of mind that helps me face difficulty. I want a mind like that so when the shit hits the fan, in the million different little ways it does every day, I can meet what is happening without being reactive.  It’s a work in progress.

Living with courage is a learned skill we can cultivate to help us get through our days with grace & ease. I believe it’s fundamental to our well-being.  Researchers have been able to identify where courage lives in our brain (how cool is that) in hopes of helping those who have insurmountable fear or anxiety.

Courage is like a muscle. If you’ve never lifted weights the smallest weight will feel heavy in the beginning but with frequent lifting, that same weight will get lighter. Each time you act in the presence of fear you dilute its power and grow your own. I don’t mean you necessarily get to where you walk through the world with no fear at all - although I’m hoping it’s possible with continued inner work. Rather, you grow that deep place inside your mind that knows if you face this difficult thing you’ll arrive on the other side - and it’s much brighter over there.

Finding the courage to take risks, even tiny ones, demands clarity about why we’re doing it in the first place. If the outcome we’re going for isn’t evident in our mind it’s less likely we’ll step up to do the difficult thing.  The chance of me saying ‘hey, I think I’ll go have a cold shower’ are exactly zero. The only way I am stepping into that cold water is if I stand outside my tub and remind myself why I am doing something so darn crazy!

A big pitfall of being an adult is we frequently sabotage ourselves by downplaying the cost of doing nothing.  We do this because no one is making us do anything we don’t want to. Things get extra tricky when the ramifications of our actions aren’t staring us in the face…I can spend this money and save later, I will start exercising on Monday, I can have that conversation about my relationship when I feel better. Saving all the hard stuff for another day often means we pay a hefty price down the road.

Often our inner courage seems to get derailed when we look at where we are and where we want to be. There is always a gap there. There will never NOT be space between where we are and where we want to be. It’s in this space that our best self often goes to die because we cannot see our way past it.

Stepping into the gap between here & there needs some focused action. Stop rolling your eyes at me Hon, I know the term ‘focused action’ has been overused to the point we tune it out, yet there is nothing more helpful than a small, focused action step when it comes to taking on a challenging task. Dial the phone. Put on the shoes. Go to the library. Do something to narrow the gap between where you are right now and where you want to be. Then do another little thing tomorrow. As far as I can tell it is the only way forward.

Lastly, may we trust our capabilities. Let us stand tall, take some deep breaths, know we have done many hard things in the past and we can do this too. Living with courage is not about being fearless rather it’s about fearing less and the only way to do that is to practice in our ordinary, everyday lives.

May you tackle your hard things with grace & ease. I thank you with my whole heart for being here with me, it means so much. I’m super curious what everyday courage means to you - drop me a note in the comments (even if it means you need to be brave❤, we are a very supportive community here in TBL).

One last thing - I think you’re awesome. Everyone needs a cheerleader in their life and I’m it for you.

xoxo Donna