Permission from a people pleaser

step right up for some gold stamped approval

Why, as a fully grown adult, is there sometimes a lingering feeling we need to get permission? The thinking mind knows it’s ridiculous, yet somewhere in the ethers we feel the need to check if it’s OK? OK, with who? With what?

Ah, maybe it’s just me?

I am a not-yet-fully-reformed people pleaser and a 9 on the Enneagram - which means I want everyone around me to be happy at all times. This is not a recipe for well-being.

I am dead serious. It’s a tough slog living in the land of fairies & unicorns and work must be done to move to a different land. (If you are one of the Blessed who knows how to live life on your own terms please a) leave a comment to tell the rest of us your secret and b) check out some of my other articles that have nothing to do with needing permission, don’t waste your time on this one).

Those of us who wander the earth just wanting our people, and ideally ALL people, to be happy can be pretty miserable. The rational mind knows this is not possible but we still do a hundred small things a day to ensure THEY are ok.

If, like me, it took about half your life to truly start to notice this about yourself, or if you’ve known it with your brain but not owned it with your being, then buckle up Sweetheart! It can shake you to the core to see how every action you take may be governed by the possibility of how someone else will respond. YUCK. (Maybe we should start that word with a different consonant?)

Why do we do this? I’m no psychologist but I have looked into it quite a bit to try to change myself. My non-expert belief is that, provided everything else is reasonable, ie: one is not in an abusive relationship & has no underlying mental health issues, our co-dependence may due to a combo of personality, culture and upbringing. Basically, a lot to unpack. Which is why I am still in remedial kindergarten for this life lesson.

I’m all about being a decent citizen of humanity, governing our actions responsibly and not causing harm. I believe that humans can be kind and loving to one another, regardless of our personal belief system, by acknowledging we are all human and, therefore different and this is a good thing.

However, it is not our job to make sure everyone else is OK all the time (unless you have small children or pets then it is very much your job). The reaction, perception or opinion of other people are none of your business.

Photo by Georgi Zvezdov on Unsplash

If you feel like you need permission today I’m giving it to you because I think I understand that underlying need. Your very smart- kick ass brain knows it’s OK for you to register for college or sit on the couch, and yet something inside of you questions if it’s ok? Yes, it is alright.

Please take my permission and use it but most importantly start to grant it to yourself one little baby step at a time. Begin to question the story, peel back the layers to see if what you tell yourself is actually true.

Let’s all be like Brene Brown and write ourselves a damn permission slip (it’s my understanding that she actually does this - carries it around in her pocket).

This is for you…just in case.

You are wonderful and I appreciate you being here so much! Thank you for hanging with me, thank you for your likes and comments. Wishing you well.

xox