I'm so glad you liked it Tamara! Kim did an excellent job. If you don't already subscribe to her newsletter you should check it out. Also, I appreciate you dropping into the comments over here on The Bright Life, that's awesome😀
I love this essay. It resonates on many levels. I used to be envious of those who were able to stay in one house for 20> years. Now I know it was part of my journey and how lucky am I that I’ve been able to experience living in 5 different states and many more communities because of moving within those states.
I've never thought about life in terms of attachment and detachment. I think I'm much more of an "attacher," if only because I can't really think of a circumstance where I've detached from something truly important. We've moved many times, but always from one apartment to another within NYC.
I must be missing something about my life, because this void sounds unnatural.
Wow. That’s amazing David. I’m definitely an “attacher.” But at some point along the way, unknown to me some of these things I attached to became more like handcuffs. It was such a subtle shift and over a long period of time. That’s when these attachments became unhealthy. Seems like you’ve had very healthy ones in your life. What a blessing.
I don't think this sounds unnatural David, it seems healthy to me. Adopting a perspective of change being ok and nothing to get worked up about is something we are all striving for. Kim's first nugget of wisdom about change being what it will be, good or otherwise, seems to be one you inherently possess so I say well done!
Also, thanks so much for dropping into the comments over here. I see you on Kim's page often so I'm glad you checked out her essay here.
You perfectly captured the feelings my husband and I have been going through in just the past few weeks. It's a scary time, shedding one's past life while not yet having a clear idea of what lies ahead. I'm grateful to your words for helping me see that there's a path through the uncertainty and chaos to a time of peace.
Sending you many good vibes as you navigate this challenging transition Wendy! The rest of this year I'm talking about change that moves us closer to wholeness so I hope you find some worthwhile nuggets you can use to anchor into.
I'm glad you enjoyed Kim's article as much as I did!
This is a marvelous gift - thank you, Donna and Kim, for this post. It resonates deeply, as I'm in a similar process of leaving my house of nearly 20 years, downsizing, and moving to another town. I processed some of that in my November "Talking Back to Walden" essay, but thanks for the reminder of the inner work involved, as well as the benefits of lightness and freedom.
Love your wisdom nuggets - especially the circle getting smaller. I feel that. One of my faves is "Don't take anything personally" (With thanks to Don Miguel Ruiz - and my Dad, who said this about family!)
I feel the circle getting smaller too Julie. My thirty-year-old self would have been alarmed but my now self is happy about it. The arc of life is fascinating! Thank you so much for being here and dropping into the comments section❤
What a beautiful collaboration, Donna and Kim! ❤️ I love this model of the three stages! I often think in terms of the cycle of input, metabolize, output. But now I'm going to be looking through the lens of attachment, detachment, release too. I really love this as another building block in the foundation that Donna is helping me build before jumping in to change. (I've been calling it my foundation of comfort.) It's what I need to be grounded upon before reaching out for change, so that my roots are steady even if my branches are flailing in a storm. Thank you for all this wisdom!
This was great, Kim. I really like the concept of unlearning. And some of your nuggets of wisdom, especially number two.
Getting sober, was the biggest example of unlearning. Because so much of what I did revolved around drinking and drugs that I had to unlearn that way of existing so I can learn a new way.
It's an interesting concept isn't it Michael. It's especially true in the context of drinking and drugs. You really can't learn a new way (being sober) until you spend time unlearning the old (being addicted). It is impossible to be sober if you are still drinking. It's a perfect example of the unlearning concept, which I find difficult to explain sometimes. Thanks for this concrete example.
Donna, it can be anxiety-producing to let go of our "baby" for the first (or 100th) time. Well done, and quite brave of you. Kim, what a beautiful reflection and story.
Over the last year I discovered I have a hard time leaning into being so a part of something. Whether it is our home, a job, a relationship- I tend to cautiously look at many different places as "stepping stones":
"Oh, I won't put pictures up on the wall because we won't be here long enough to really make it 'our space'."
"I won't paint this office because I don't know if I will be here in the next few years."
"I am sure this person is just needing someone right now, but they won't want to be my friend in the next year."
I have an issue with permanence (or impermanence, depending on how you look at it). I am working on making it okay in my heart to lean into something even if it will only be a stepping stone (but, also allowing it to go further than that).
I'm not sure if this is the opposite of or just a different form of the picture you painted above.
Hello Sam. Nice to meet you on this page. What you wrote resonated with me. It reminded me of my 30-something year old self. (I can see from your profile you look much younger than me, so that helped me place those feelings.) It took me a moment to reflect and remember, but it reminded me of what I used to do back in the day. All the time. What you describe above as well as some extra things for good measure. Here's just one example:
-I broke up with my now husband because he said he loved me and wanted to be with me. We moved very quickly in 'we just knew' kind of way. After a few weeks we were talking marriage and kids. When it started to become real, I told him to go away. I couldn't do this. He didn't really love me. How could he. He would change his mind...blah blah blah. Thank-goodness he didn't listen to me. We've been married for 36 years on Dec 24th.
For me it wasn't the issue with permanence, it was a fear of rejection. (Of course I didn't understand this until a decade or so later.) It was a survival technique...I will reject you before you can reject me. And, in order to make my rejection of you make sense, I will make up a story as to why I would do this. So many of your examples above were true for me at the time as well.
Donna recently had a post about Loudypants. My inner voice is called Judgey-pants.
Sometime in my mid to late 40's it unconsciously and silently switched. The attachment and hanging on for dear life to everything I had created and achieved because what if it all went away? Would it mean I was a failure?
It all comes back to those inner voices in our heads -- Loudy or Judgey or whatever you call your voice--Harold or Judy.
However, Donna is right in what she writes below. It comes down to working on the inner relationship with ourselves. Learning to replace the voice in our heads and our irrational fears with what is true and real. Not the made up stories we keep telling ourselves. It is possible to re-wire our thinking, or to unlearning those habits that aren't serving us anymore. Thanks for sharing and prompting an interesting discussion. I hope some of this made sense! All the best to you.
Kim, as Donna said, yes- very well said. I appreciate your thoughtfulness in your response. I am indeed working to create a better relationship with myself, and the inner thought processes that continue to come up. Even when I recognize them, I often stand in the middle of the road wondering what to do about it- what I want, what it means for me, etc. Thankfully, I have a very gifted therapist who is helping me with this.
Thanks so much for this insightful comment Sam, I look forward to Kim's take on it.
I would say that perhaps this is about needing to get closer to home on the inside - it becomes more of an inside job than being about the relationship, house, or job. Nothing quite sits right because the foundation feels shaky. When those thoughts arise actively question their validity (over and over again) to see if they are true. Most of them won't be true and you can replace them with something that feels better and is more accurate. If we do this process repeatedly we can retrain our brain pathways to think differently which causes an unconscious shift that moves us closer to 'home'. This is based on my own experience and reading, nothing that involves formal training, but there's some compelling research out which is cool!
Great idea to collaborate, you two! Kim’s post feels like a natural fit with Donna’s newsletter. Kim: Your description of your home in part I had me feeling attachment and the pangs of letting go. Do you find the lightness of letting go and the ache of loss very hard to disentangle?
Hi Tara. I don't find it hard to disentangle them anymore. It was really hard in the middle phase as I took the baby steps towards detachment. I clung with my fingernails to my attachments. But, once it shifted and I was in it and moving into stage 3 of the release, it felt easier. I found I sought out the feeling of lightness. I felt such freedom which I hadn't felt in so long, or even ever?? It was MUCH nicer than the ache of the loss. (Therapy helped too! ;)
My piece of wisdom is to take everything with joy including and particularly changes...because underneath there is always a good reason...so better be excited...
I get attached to things a lot, it’s like they keep me company and make the house warmer, more beautiful, more full and even give some sense to the surroundings and life...it’s hard to explain but it’s comforting...
I love your wisdom about taking everything with joy! Warmer and more beautiful, giving sense to our surroundings...this sums up exactly how I want to live (especially in Canada in the winter🤣!)
Thank-you Donna for trusting me with your writing space as you work on your own version of surrendering the need to control. It was an honour to be asked to participate as a guest writer. xo
So, so tough Martin. Especially when you've built the story in your head that it's your "family" home. As if when you leave it, you're leaving everything associated with it and your family behind. Blessedly, you realize soon enough (if you choose to) this is not the case. I held on for too long. Not fully understanding that I could make a different choice with my life. But as Mr. Troy Ford says below, it became a fresh adventure I didn't realize I needed or wanted. Funny how life is like that.
I love 💕 this post !
I'm so glad you liked it Tamara! Kim did an excellent job. If you don't already subscribe to her newsletter you should check it out. Also, I appreciate you dropping into the comments over here on The Bright Life, that's awesome😀
Thank you ! I will definitely!
I have never tried to cross-post, so my apologies to people who got this twice (or three times??) ugh.
I love this essay. It resonates on many levels. I used to be envious of those who were able to stay in one house for 20> years. Now I know it was part of my journey and how lucky am I that I’ve been able to experience living in 5 different states and many more communities because of moving within those states.
It's great you're able to look at those moves and see the blessing in the experience and how your life has been enriched.
The journey leads up to who we are today. Amazing tho how lessons come in bulk. Other release related stuff happened this week as well. Timely.
Bulk lessons. I think you should write a post about that CK!! It certainly seems to be the case.
“Amazing how lessons come in bulk” Love this. And, why is that?? Universe deciding to rip the bandaid off I guess? 🤷🏼♀️
Yes! G-d (or whatever your belief) is constantly giving us opportunities to learn.
Hi Kim and Donna,
I've never thought about life in terms of attachment and detachment. I think I'm much more of an "attacher," if only because I can't really think of a circumstance where I've detached from something truly important. We've moved many times, but always from one apartment to another within NYC.
I must be missing something about my life, because this void sounds unnatural.
Thanks fro making me think!
Wow. That’s amazing David. I’m definitely an “attacher.” But at some point along the way, unknown to me some of these things I attached to became more like handcuffs. It was such a subtle shift and over a long period of time. That’s when these attachments became unhealthy. Seems like you’ve had very healthy ones in your life. What a blessing.
I don't think this sounds unnatural David, it seems healthy to me. Adopting a perspective of change being ok and nothing to get worked up about is something we are all striving for. Kim's first nugget of wisdom about change being what it will be, good or otherwise, seems to be one you inherently possess so I say well done!
Also, thanks so much for dropping into the comments over here. I see you on Kim's page often so I'm glad you checked out her essay here.
You perfectly captured the feelings my husband and I have been going through in just the past few weeks. It's a scary time, shedding one's past life while not yet having a clear idea of what lies ahead. I'm grateful to your words for helping me see that there's a path through the uncertainty and chaos to a time of peace.
Hi Wendy. I’m glad this resonated. And yes, absolutely there will be a time of peace. All the best to you and your husband during your transition.
Thanks, Kim!
Sending you many good vibes as you navigate this challenging transition Wendy! The rest of this year I'm talking about change that moves us closer to wholeness so I hope you find some worthwhile nuggets you can use to anchor into.
I'm glad you enjoyed Kim's article as much as I did!
This is a marvelous gift - thank you, Donna and Kim, for this post. It resonates deeply, as I'm in a similar process of leaving my house of nearly 20 years, downsizing, and moving to another town. I processed some of that in my November "Talking Back to Walden" essay, but thanks for the reminder of the inner work involved, as well as the benefits of lightness and freedom.
Love your wisdom nuggets - especially the circle getting smaller. I feel that. One of my faves is "Don't take anything personally" (With thanks to Don Miguel Ruiz - and my Dad, who said this about family!)
I feel the circle getting smaller too Julie. My thirty-year-old self would have been alarmed but my now self is happy about it. The arc of life is fascinating! Thank you so much for being here and dropping into the comments section❤
I was just thinking of that quote this morning - wherever you go, there you are, so fun to see a little bit of synchronicity today! Thank you!
What a beautiful collaboration, Donna and Kim! ❤️ I love this model of the three stages! I often think in terms of the cycle of input, metabolize, output. But now I'm going to be looking through the lens of attachment, detachment, release too. I really love this as another building block in the foundation that Donna is helping me build before jumping in to change. (I've been calling it my foundation of comfort.) It's what I need to be grounded upon before reaching out for change, so that my roots are steady even if my branches are flailing in a storm. Thank you for all this wisdom!
"...so that my roots are steady, even if my branches are flailing in a storm." Beautiful imagery. Love this.
This was great, Kim. I really like the concept of unlearning. And some of your nuggets of wisdom, especially number two.
Getting sober, was the biggest example of unlearning. Because so much of what I did revolved around drinking and drugs that I had to unlearn that way of existing so I can learn a new way.
Thanks Kim and Donna :)
It's an interesting concept isn't it Michael. It's especially true in the context of drinking and drugs. You really can't learn a new way (being sober) until you spend time unlearning the old (being addicted). It is impossible to be sober if you are still drinking. It's a perfect example of the unlearning concept, which I find difficult to explain sometimes. Thanks for this concrete example.
I couldn’t agree more, Kim. Thanks :)
That's perfect! It's impossible to be sober if you are still drinking. I am going to quote your line in my next post. Thanks Michael and Kim!
Donna, it can be anxiety-producing to let go of our "baby" for the first (or 100th) time. Well done, and quite brave of you. Kim, what a beautiful reflection and story.
Over the last year I discovered I have a hard time leaning into being so a part of something. Whether it is our home, a job, a relationship- I tend to cautiously look at many different places as "stepping stones":
"Oh, I won't put pictures up on the wall because we won't be here long enough to really make it 'our space'."
"I won't paint this office because I don't know if I will be here in the next few years."
"I am sure this person is just needing someone right now, but they won't want to be my friend in the next year."
I have an issue with permanence (or impermanence, depending on how you look at it). I am working on making it okay in my heart to lean into something even if it will only be a stepping stone (but, also allowing it to go further than that).
I'm not sure if this is the opposite of or just a different form of the picture you painted above.
Hello Sam. Nice to meet you on this page. What you wrote resonated with me. It reminded me of my 30-something year old self. (I can see from your profile you look much younger than me, so that helped me place those feelings.) It took me a moment to reflect and remember, but it reminded me of what I used to do back in the day. All the time. What you describe above as well as some extra things for good measure. Here's just one example:
-I broke up with my now husband because he said he loved me and wanted to be with me. We moved very quickly in 'we just knew' kind of way. After a few weeks we were talking marriage and kids. When it started to become real, I told him to go away. I couldn't do this. He didn't really love me. How could he. He would change his mind...blah blah blah. Thank-goodness he didn't listen to me. We've been married for 36 years on Dec 24th.
For me it wasn't the issue with permanence, it was a fear of rejection. (Of course I didn't understand this until a decade or so later.) It was a survival technique...I will reject you before you can reject me. And, in order to make my rejection of you make sense, I will make up a story as to why I would do this. So many of your examples above were true for me at the time as well.
Donna recently had a post about Loudypants. My inner voice is called Judgey-pants.
Sometime in my mid to late 40's it unconsciously and silently switched. The attachment and hanging on for dear life to everything I had created and achieved because what if it all went away? Would it mean I was a failure?
It all comes back to those inner voices in our heads -- Loudy or Judgey or whatever you call your voice--Harold or Judy.
However, Donna is right in what she writes below. It comes down to working on the inner relationship with ourselves. Learning to replace the voice in our heads and our irrational fears with what is true and real. Not the made up stories we keep telling ourselves. It is possible to re-wire our thinking, or to unlearning those habits that aren't serving us anymore. Thanks for sharing and prompting an interesting discussion. I hope some of this made sense! All the best to you.
Kim, as Donna said, yes- very well said. I appreciate your thoughtfulness in your response. I am indeed working to create a better relationship with myself, and the inner thought processes that continue to come up. Even when I recognize them, I often stand in the middle of the road wondering what to do about it- what I want, what it means for me, etc. Thankfully, I have a very gifted therapist who is helping me with this.
I look forward to more of your writing!
I love a gifted therapist. They are the best!
Well said Kim!
Thanks so much for this insightful comment Sam, I look forward to Kim's take on it.
I would say that perhaps this is about needing to get closer to home on the inside - it becomes more of an inside job than being about the relationship, house, or job. Nothing quite sits right because the foundation feels shaky. When those thoughts arise actively question their validity (over and over again) to see if they are true. Most of them won't be true and you can replace them with something that feels better and is more accurate. If we do this process repeatedly we can retrain our brain pathways to think differently which causes an unconscious shift that moves us closer to 'home'. This is based on my own experience and reading, nothing that involves formal training, but there's some compelling research out which is cool!
Yes!
https://deerambeau.substack.com/p/were-moving-again
Wow! This is awesome and dovetails perfectly with Kim's piece. Thanks for sharing.
Love this, Kim. That I am my home is one of my most comforting and useful tenets. Thank you for sharing, Donna and Kim.
Thanks for being here Holly!
Great idea to collaborate, you two! Kim’s post feels like a natural fit with Donna’s newsletter. Kim: Your description of your home in part I had me feeling attachment and the pangs of letting go. Do you find the lightness of letting go and the ache of loss very hard to disentangle?
Hi Tara. I don't find it hard to disentangle them anymore. It was really hard in the middle phase as I took the baby steps towards detachment. I clung with my fingernails to my attachments. But, once it shifted and I was in it and moving into stage 3 of the release, it felt easier. I found I sought out the feeling of lightness. I felt such freedom which I hadn't felt in so long, or even ever?? It was MUCH nicer than the ache of the loss. (Therapy helped too! ;)
Hooray for a distinct phase 3!
My piece of wisdom is to take everything with joy including and particularly changes...because underneath there is always a good reason...so better be excited...
I get attached to things a lot, it’s like they keep me company and make the house warmer, more beautiful, more full and even give some sense to the surroundings and life...it’s hard to explain but it’s comforting...
I love your wisdom about taking everything with joy! Warmer and more beautiful, giving sense to our surroundings...this sums up exactly how I want to live (especially in Canada in the winter🤣!)
Thank-you Donna for trusting me with your writing space as you work on your own version of surrendering the need to control. It was an honour to be asked to participate as a guest writer. xo
I loved your piece so much Kim, thank you!❤
With you on this.
We are preparing ourselves to leave our house of 14 years. We moved in here when we married in 2009. So many memories. Our youngest was born here.
But you’re right. The time comes to move on. It’s tough though.
😍
So, so tough Martin. Especially when you've built the story in your head that it's your "family" home. As if when you leave it, you're leaving everything associated with it and your family behind. Blessedly, you realize soon enough (if you choose to) this is not the case. I held on for too long. Not fully understanding that I could make a different choice with my life. But as Mr. Troy Ford says below, it became a fresh adventure I didn't realize I needed or wanted. Funny how life is like that.