Donna, yes I do have one good trick to not compare myself to others. It is to not watch other people social media. Instead I focus on creating my own content. Works like a charm.
This is such a gorgeous and supportive essay Donna. Exactly what I needed to read this morning. I have struggled with the comparison trap these last few weeks since my energy has been so depleted. Its familiar to jump into feeling not enough when my productivity is “low”. Your essay reminded me that celebration is the antidote to all of this.
Thank you so much Ashley, I’m so glad you found something useful in the post. I know what you mean about overwhelm being a huge trigger for comparison. My nastiest inner self stands front and centre when I’m tired. Sometimes it helps to know we all (narcissistic folks aside) are in the same boat.
I appreciate you taking the time to drop into the comments. Take care of yourself so you can keep writing your awesome stuff and keep up with your kidlets!
I looked up the etymology of "comparison" (because I can't seem to help myself 😀) and it has the root meeting "to be together with an equal; or to make equal." I found this to be fascinating. To me, that means the basis of comparison is to find the ways in which we are equal to whatever we might be comparing ourselves with. Instead of "how is that better than me?" I can ask "in what ways am I equal to that?" Hidden in the word is a dismantling of hierarchy. Wow! Thank you for bringing me this, Donna! ♥️♥️♥️
Wow, wow, wow! Thank you Jenna this is amazing. I always have to stop myself from adding definitions of the words I am focused on because I find them fascinating and the etymology is next level. I did not know this and found it very helpful. How can we find ways in which we are equal to whatever we may be comparing ourselves with? I appreciate this because I am wrestling with my next post and will touch on this idea. Yay!
Thank you Troy! In my now I want to go get caught up on what Lamb is up to but haven't made it over there. I'm saving it for a quiet, enjoyable moment.
I really liked this one, Donna. The writing was fun and felt very you. And the idea itself is really important one that I seem to need constant reminding of.
Comparison is the thief of joy — as someone said (can’t remember who, whoops!). :)
You and I have talked a bit about this, the seemingly endless struggle to live fully as ourselves with the inner sense that we are ok. It doesn't necessarily have to be that constant sense of freedom, like when you're on your skateboard, but hopefully, the inner reminder that 'we've got this' and it's good. The research done on folks at the end of life appears to indicate that it's simply about showing up fully for our own lives and not allowing ourselves to shift into autopilot. Course correction when we catch ourselves in comparison is part of our difficult learning.
I appreciate that you said my writing felt like me! That is so wonderful because it means that somehow I am able to convey the essence of me through the words, yay! Thank you for telling me that Michael❤
I do like the idea of just showing up fully in our lives and not falling into auto pilot. As I feel that that is a an achievable and valuable thing to do.
Comparison....in the health and well-being of my own vessel, I remind myself to put Comparison on the shelf. I might read about a supplement therapy or treatment that has been a miraculous needle-mover for many (and some of this is marketing) and I am noticing sweet tweet all. An example could be listening to a summit on gut health ( where I have spent literally thousands of hours in investigation) to hear of protocols that have been magical. I am still in a 15 year struggle with the gut dragon. So if I compare myself or results with others, I am devastated, defeated, angry and can fall into victim mentality. My journey is mine. Yes. It is slow. It is deep. It can be intense. That intensity is so much more extreme if I compare it to others who seem to be winning. I also know that works for others may not work for me and visa versa. I will keep an open and curios mind to other's input because sometimes there are diamonds to be mined.
Adele you put this so well, thank you. Yes, there are diamonds to be mined which may prove to be useful, but at the same time it's necessary to use our power of discernment and remind ourselves we are running our own race. Sometimes our journey requires stepping away from the playing field entirely to allow things to be what they are. This seems to be hard, at least for me.
Your point that things increase in intensity if we compare to others is bang on! I have found this especially true in my writing and it took many months before I stepped back to allow myself to simply enjoy what I'm doing for the sake of it alone.
Here's the craziness of it all....you bang and bruise yourself up over not being the writer you want to be or think you should be and yet, We all know that writing is one of your greatest gifts. Most of us would be delighted to be so talented with words and thoughts. I did not have a great score on a bone density test and the doc said....I should have requested the other test. The test you received is based on comparing bone density to a middle aged mid-weight woman. I am a 68 yr old with a very light bone structure. I couldn't win no matter what. So, it is good to look into a clean mirror to make sure our reflection is valid. We are funny that way, aren't we? So hard on ourselves. It is sometimes difficult to see ourselves as others see us. I see you as AWESOME!
We are so hard on ourselves by both seeing things that aren't necessarily there as well as not seeing other things that might be driving the bus. All we can do is show up fully for ourselves as best we can (and I know that sounds trite but it's true!)
This is such a great reminder that I needed it! It’s hard to keep the comparison away sometimes, but I’m learning to accept everything for the way that it is. If it’s meant to be I will get there eventually when the time is right for me!
Subscribers. I am so thrilled to have hit 300 subscribers, but then I look at others on Notes who talk about getting 500 in XX months, or whatever the random numbers are. While I am genuinely happy for them, there is a tinge of feeling like I've been somehow personally rejected by nameless, faceless people who haven't discovered I'm here or don't find value in what I write. Which I know is ridiculous. Particularly because prior to seeing any of those posts I am ecstatic and happy that I've gone from 0 to over 300 people, with a good many who are really engaged. But as you say, comparison is an ugly game and it definitely steals our energy. It's also really embarrassing to admit! ;)
I feel this way too! I see others that have hundreds of subscribers that started on Substack the same time as me and I am not even at 100 yet. I’m 3 away from 100 and will be so excited when I finally hit it, but I just have to stopping comparing myself to others!
You are echoing all of us here Kim! We are embarassed to care yet we do, and it's frustrating sometimes. I find it goes in waves for me but I've been getting better at totally disregarding anyone else's numbers. I find it interesting when I can go from feeling good about what I'm creating to down about it quite quickly based on an outside marker - it's like the Universe is saying 'this right here is where you gotta grow' and I say 'I really don't want to do that, I just want to be successful'🤣!
Thanks so much for your vulnerable share because we are all right there with you feeling the same thing.
OMG! That piece about Pineapple! So sweet and inspiring. Thank you for this. I’ve been a terrible comparer; it’s a habit that I’ve gotten better about. One of favorite reminders is: Be yourself; everyone else is taken.
I love that reminder Julie, thanks for taking the time to share it with us. I loved Kristy's story about Pineapple too. We all need some heartwarming news now and then❤
Perfect. Everyone has a story. And everone is interesting. The fact that we are all different means that comparing ourselves to others is an apples and oranges thing.
You're right Paul, comparison is an apples and oranges thing but sometimes it doesn't feel like it! Having worked in healthcare for my career I have been so fortunate to hear many people's stories. I always feel honored when they share with me, as if they are gifting me a piece of themselves. It's a good reminder for me when I go out into the big world that those people have an interesting story too.
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it❤
Someone always has bigger and better— superficially. More money, bigger car, nicer house, etc. But are their souls healthy? This is usually what gets me out of a comparison rut. I question their heart and send that person oodles of healing love. It takes me out of my ego and puts the focus on them.
This is such a wonderful perspective Carissa. It's so helpful to recognize our sameness and our differences from a deeper place, a heartfelt place of connection and knowing. I think we can become more skillful at doing this and it will show up in all areas of our life (I know you know and do this❤❤).
This reminds me of that quote "Comparison is the thief of joy" (sometimes attirbuted to T. Roosevelt, Mark Twain and/or CS Lewis)
For me, the comparison virus is in full force when it comes to my children and their behavior. I see loads of other kids who behave in public, whereas mine seem worse. Or they're not reading at the level of their peers, or not as good at sports. I take lots of deep breaths and try not to hold my measuring stick up to them - they are their own persons, as ill-behaved and un-coordinated as they might be! 😂
Christine it's lovely to see you here in the comments, thanks so much for dropping in!
You nailed it with the kid measuring stick. This may be the hardest piece to overcome which is why, I guess, our children can be our greatest teachers. I think one of the highlights of my life will be when I arrive at a place of full acceptance of myself in my relationship to my children - I'm working on it (two steps forward, one step back)!
Where I feel I don’t measure up- I’m surrounded by people who seem to have bigger, better houses and tons of investments. It feels like I missed the boat on that stuff. Even though I have a house and a career. Even though on other, non-physical levels I may be ahead. I don’t have piles of retirement savings or a lakefront property. It seems like they are winning that game, and I’m losing it.
Tim, I'm right there with you. This is a brave thing to admit and I probably wouldn't have if you hadn't. I don't even have gainful employment right now lol. I'm just trying to practice more of what you preach with mindfulness and meditation to seek out what I'm grateful for. We still have plenty even if we don't feel like we measure up.
I've been reading a book by Joe Dispenze that was suggested to me by CK Stefeel and one of the things he mentions, that I've heard other teachers talk about, is when we keep doing the work we seem to accidentally arrive at a place where that stuff no longer matters as much. The material possessions lose their alure.
Clearly I have a ways to go on that, as is shown by this very post😂 but I have noticed a bit of a shift over the past few years and I'm liking it!
Everything is a journey and you'll get there when you get there! I arrived early with not caring about possessions because I traveled SO much before. Now, I just need to get my finances in check.
Some people lived regimented lives that resulted in huge stockpiles of material stuff. I lived a life full of experiences and have a huge stockpile of internal riches that I suspect you have a full hoard of too!
I often remind myself that in the world of people, in the world of women, I am in the top 3 % of abundance In material and non-material ways by being a middle class Canadian white woman.
Things can get stressful at times but counting one's blessings is time well spent. I am surrounded by very wealthy people...who have 3-6 homes, a yacht, holidays in 5 star hotels, only fly business class.....and yet their children don't like each other (adult children) to the extent that they can't spend a holiday together in the same house or any of the 6 houses available to them. No one gets a free ride.
I’ve felt like that too Tim, I’m not into renos so my house is very dated and sometimes I feel like I don’t measure up because I don’t have the right house stuff-even though I’m not really interested in that kind of thing. It still catches me often!
I get that inner work doesn’t pay the bills and yet it does offer riches far beyond any other thing and, corny as it might sound, when you are showing up for yourself it’s amazing what the Universe will unfold for you to get where you want to go, it just may not look like you think it will.
From someone who lives on the very lake your friends probably have property at, I can reassure you that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be sometimes. It can be a huge money drain yet people do it just to seem like they are keeping up.
-- Thank you for the wise and honest words, friend. I really needed to hear them today. It's not so much about comparison, but rather about how deeply measuring some inner processes can feel. ✨️
As usual Thaissa your words hit home with. ‘How deeply measuring some inner processes can feel. That is the brilliant truth and it calls us to consider at a new level.
Donna, yes I do have one good trick to not compare myself to others. It is to not watch other people social media. Instead I focus on creating my own content. Works like a charm.
Way to live intentionally Tomas! Something like that makes a big difference in how we feel as we move through our day.
Donna, 100% ! Simple thing to do, major difference.
This is such a gorgeous and supportive essay Donna. Exactly what I needed to read this morning. I have struggled with the comparison trap these last few weeks since my energy has been so depleted. Its familiar to jump into feeling not enough when my productivity is “low”. Your essay reminded me that celebration is the antidote to all of this.
Thank you❤️
Thank you so much Ashley, I’m so glad you found something useful in the post. I know what you mean about overwhelm being a huge trigger for comparison. My nastiest inner self stands front and centre when I’m tired. Sometimes it helps to know we all (narcissistic folks aside) are in the same boat.
I appreciate you taking the time to drop into the comments. Take care of yourself so you can keep writing your awesome stuff and keep up with your kidlets!
I looked up the etymology of "comparison" (because I can't seem to help myself 😀) and it has the root meeting "to be together with an equal; or to make equal." I found this to be fascinating. To me, that means the basis of comparison is to find the ways in which we are equal to whatever we might be comparing ourselves with. Instead of "how is that better than me?" I can ask "in what ways am I equal to that?" Hidden in the word is a dismantling of hierarchy. Wow! Thank you for bringing me this, Donna! ♥️♥️♥️
Wow, wow, wow! Thank you Jenna this is amazing. I always have to stop myself from adding definitions of the words I am focused on because I find them fascinating and the etymology is next level. I did not know this and found it very helpful. How can we find ways in which we are equal to whatever we may be comparing ourselves with? I appreciate this because I am wrestling with my next post and will touch on this idea. Yay!
Fascinating! This turns our competitive use of the word right on its head.
It sure does which deserves further discussion!
I hear your wheels turning from here! Sing it, sis! 😂
This week they are turning far toooooo slowly for my liking! It's one of those times where the mojo got up and went!
There is no race, there is only now ;) Great reminder, Donna!
Thank you Troy! In my now I want to go get caught up on what Lamb is up to but haven't made it over there. I'm saving it for a quiet, enjoyable moment.
I really liked this one, Donna. The writing was fun and felt very you. And the idea itself is really important one that I seem to need constant reminding of.
Comparison is the thief of joy — as someone said (can’t remember who, whoops!). :)
You and I have talked a bit about this, the seemingly endless struggle to live fully as ourselves with the inner sense that we are ok. It doesn't necessarily have to be that constant sense of freedom, like when you're on your skateboard, but hopefully, the inner reminder that 'we've got this' and it's good. The research done on folks at the end of life appears to indicate that it's simply about showing up fully for our own lives and not allowing ourselves to shift into autopilot. Course correction when we catch ourselves in comparison is part of our difficult learning.
I appreciate that you said my writing felt like me! That is so wonderful because it means that somehow I am able to convey the essence of me through the words, yay! Thank you for telling me that Michael❤
I do like the idea of just showing up fully in our lives and not falling into auto pilot. As I feel that that is a an achievable and valuable thing to do.
Thanks Donna :)
You're welcome, thank you so much for being here. It means a lot.
Comparison....in the health and well-being of my own vessel, I remind myself to put Comparison on the shelf. I might read about a supplement therapy or treatment that has been a miraculous needle-mover for many (and some of this is marketing) and I am noticing sweet tweet all. An example could be listening to a summit on gut health ( where I have spent literally thousands of hours in investigation) to hear of protocols that have been magical. I am still in a 15 year struggle with the gut dragon. So if I compare myself or results with others, I am devastated, defeated, angry and can fall into victim mentality. My journey is mine. Yes. It is slow. It is deep. It can be intense. That intensity is so much more extreme if I compare it to others who seem to be winning. I also know that works for others may not work for me and visa versa. I will keep an open and curios mind to other's input because sometimes there are diamonds to be mined.
Adele you put this so well, thank you. Yes, there are diamonds to be mined which may prove to be useful, but at the same time it's necessary to use our power of discernment and remind ourselves we are running our own race. Sometimes our journey requires stepping away from the playing field entirely to allow things to be what they are. This seems to be hard, at least for me.
Your point that things increase in intensity if we compare to others is bang on! I have found this especially true in my writing and it took many months before I stepped back to allow myself to simply enjoy what I'm doing for the sake of it alone.
Here's the craziness of it all....you bang and bruise yourself up over not being the writer you want to be or think you should be and yet, We all know that writing is one of your greatest gifts. Most of us would be delighted to be so talented with words and thoughts. I did not have a great score on a bone density test and the doc said....I should have requested the other test. The test you received is based on comparing bone density to a middle aged mid-weight woman. I am a 68 yr old with a very light bone structure. I couldn't win no matter what. So, it is good to look into a clean mirror to make sure our reflection is valid. We are funny that way, aren't we? So hard on ourselves. It is sometimes difficult to see ourselves as others see us. I see you as AWESOME!
And I see you as AWESOME! ❤
We are so hard on ourselves by both seeing things that aren't necessarily there as well as not seeing other things that might be driving the bus. All we can do is show up fully for ourselves as best we can (and I know that sounds trite but it's true!)
This is such a great reminder that I needed it! It’s hard to keep the comparison away sometimes, but I’m learning to accept everything for the way that it is. If it’s meant to be I will get there eventually when the time is right for me!
I'd say I'm in the same boat Leanna, working to accept by surrendering to what is and having faith that I'll get where I'm supposed to be.
Thank you so much for commenting, I'm glad you found my post helpful and happy that you're here❤
Subscribers. I am so thrilled to have hit 300 subscribers, but then I look at others on Notes who talk about getting 500 in XX months, or whatever the random numbers are. While I am genuinely happy for them, there is a tinge of feeling like I've been somehow personally rejected by nameless, faceless people who haven't discovered I'm here or don't find value in what I write. Which I know is ridiculous. Particularly because prior to seeing any of those posts I am ecstatic and happy that I've gone from 0 to over 300 people, with a good many who are really engaged. But as you say, comparison is an ugly game and it definitely steals our energy. It's also really embarrassing to admit! ;)
I feel this way too! I see others that have hundreds of subscribers that started on Substack the same time as me and I am not even at 100 yet. I’m 3 away from 100 and will be so excited when I finally hit it, but I just have to stopping comparing myself to others!
You are echoing all of us here Kim! We are embarassed to care yet we do, and it's frustrating sometimes. I find it goes in waves for me but I've been getting better at totally disregarding anyone else's numbers. I find it interesting when I can go from feeling good about what I'm creating to down about it quite quickly based on an outside marker - it's like the Universe is saying 'this right here is where you gotta grow' and I say 'I really don't want to do that, I just want to be successful'🤣!
Thanks so much for your vulnerable share because we are all right there with you feeling the same thing.
Isn't it funny when we argue back with the universe? "I really don't want to do that...." lol.
Haha, yes! When deep inside I know I need to do this thing I don't want to do so I try to get out of it🤣 It's an ineffective strategy!
OMG! That piece about Pineapple! So sweet and inspiring. Thank you for this. I’ve been a terrible comparer; it’s a habit that I’ve gotten better about. One of favorite reminders is: Be yourself; everyone else is taken.
I love that reminder Julie, thanks for taking the time to share it with us. I loved Kristy's story about Pineapple too. We all need some heartwarming news now and then❤
Perfect. Everyone has a story. And everone is interesting. The fact that we are all different means that comparing ourselves to others is an apples and oranges thing.
Paul, this is so accurate! It's too bad we rarely see it this way when we're the ones doing it lol
You're right Paul, comparison is an apples and oranges thing but sometimes it doesn't feel like it! Having worked in healthcare for my career I have been so fortunate to hear many people's stories. I always feel honored when they share with me, as if they are gifting me a piece of themselves. It's a good reminder for me when I go out into the big world that those people have an interesting story too.
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it❤
Someone always has bigger and better— superficially. More money, bigger car, nicer house, etc. But are their souls healthy? This is usually what gets me out of a comparison rut. I question their heart and send that person oodles of healing love. It takes me out of my ego and puts the focus on them.
This is such a wonderful perspective Carissa. It's so helpful to recognize our sameness and our differences from a deeper place, a heartfelt place of connection and knowing. I think we can become more skillful at doing this and it will show up in all areas of our life (I know you know and do this❤❤).
Well said. 🙏🏻🥰
This reminds me of that quote "Comparison is the thief of joy" (sometimes attirbuted to T. Roosevelt, Mark Twain and/or CS Lewis)
For me, the comparison virus is in full force when it comes to my children and their behavior. I see loads of other kids who behave in public, whereas mine seem worse. Or they're not reading at the level of their peers, or not as good at sports. I take lots of deep breaths and try not to hold my measuring stick up to them - they are their own persons, as ill-behaved and un-coordinated as they might be! 😂
Christine it's lovely to see you here in the comments, thanks so much for dropping in!
You nailed it with the kid measuring stick. This may be the hardest piece to overcome which is why, I guess, our children can be our greatest teachers. I think one of the highlights of my life will be when I arrive at a place of full acceptance of myself in my relationship to my children - I'm working on it (two steps forward, one step back)!
Donna, thank you for mentioning my story. It really ties into your message this week. As far as not measuring up, I cosign on what Tim said.
I loved your post and it was very timely! It's so great when that happens.
Where I feel I don’t measure up- I’m surrounded by people who seem to have bigger, better houses and tons of investments. It feels like I missed the boat on that stuff. Even though I have a house and a career. Even though on other, non-physical levels I may be ahead. I don’t have piles of retirement savings or a lakefront property. It seems like they are winning that game, and I’m losing it.
Tim, I'm right there with you. This is a brave thing to admit and I probably wouldn't have if you hadn't. I don't even have gainful employment right now lol. I'm just trying to practice more of what you preach with mindfulness and meditation to seek out what I'm grateful for. We still have plenty even if we don't feel like we measure up.
I've been reading a book by Joe Dispenze that was suggested to me by CK Stefeel and one of the things he mentions, that I've heard other teachers talk about, is when we keep doing the work we seem to accidentally arrive at a place where that stuff no longer matters as much. The material possessions lose their alure.
Clearly I have a ways to go on that, as is shown by this very post😂 but I have noticed a bit of a shift over the past few years and I'm liking it!
Everything is a journey and you'll get there when you get there! I arrived early with not caring about possessions because I traveled SO much before. Now, I just need to get my finances in check.
Yes. We have plenty.
Some people lived regimented lives that resulted in huge stockpiles of material stuff. I lived a life full of experiences and have a huge stockpile of internal riches that I suspect you have a full hoard of too!
I often remind myself that in the world of people, in the world of women, I am in the top 3 % of abundance In material and non-material ways by being a middle class Canadian white woman.
Things can get stressful at times but counting one's blessings is time well spent. I am surrounded by very wealthy people...who have 3-6 homes, a yacht, holidays in 5 star hotels, only fly business class.....and yet their children don't like each other (adult children) to the extent that they can't spend a holiday together in the same house or any of the 6 houses available to them. No one gets a free ride.
That’s a great insight about their multiple houses all being miserable places to hang out. Thanks!
I do! It's funny, now at this stage I'm like, hmmmm...would I rather have the memories or the money? 😂😂 But no, I wouldn't trade the experiences.
I’ve felt like that too Tim, I’m not into renos so my house is very dated and sometimes I feel like I don’t measure up because I don’t have the right house stuff-even though I’m not really interested in that kind of thing. It still catches me often!
I get that inner work doesn’t pay the bills and yet it does offer riches far beyond any other thing and, corny as it might sound, when you are showing up for yourself it’s amazing what the Universe will unfold for you to get where you want to go, it just may not look like you think it will.
From someone who lives on the very lake your friends probably have property at, I can reassure you that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be sometimes. It can be a huge money drain yet people do it just to seem like they are keeping up.
Thanks so much for taking the time
comment, I really appreciate it!
-- Thank you for the wise and honest words, friend. I really needed to hear them today. It's not so much about comparison, but rather about how deeply measuring some inner processes can feel. ✨️
As usual Thaissa your words hit home with. ‘How deeply measuring some inner processes can feel. That is the brilliant truth and it calls us to consider at a new level.
Thank you for your thoughtful response💕
Taking it easy on others and self is a recipe for harmony.
I think so too Paolo! It’s tricky when the inner voice thinks it’s the boss but that’s why we keep showing up, right?!