Oh, wow, Donna. I love the post you linked to in this one so much. And what you wrote here - about the pattern and unconscious reasoning behind cooking for your boys and wanting them to eat well - filled my eyes with tears this morning (on Mother’s Day, no less). You just helped me better understand my mom - and soften a trigger and place of tension and miscommunication stretching back since my childhood. Thank you. ❤️
Thanks so much Dana, I appreciate your kind words. For the last few years I've been unravelling an interesting ancestral link to providing food for my loved ones and not all of that link is paved with gold🤣 Maybe I could say it's because I come from a line of farmers but I don't think so.
Sorry about my late response to your lovely comment, I've been horribly under the weather all week and am just resurfacing. Thanks for being here❤️
This made me smile. I love how your heart connects cooking and feeding your boys to them going out into the world stronger ❤️ And I know your boys appreciate it.
I also hate cooking. Even more now that I'm 100% alone besides my dog. I've never been a fan of it but it made me happier back in the day when there was a boy eating it.
I know I will be the same - when there is no one else to cook for it will be much more of a struggle. It seems like often, no matter what phase of life we are in, we want something a little different. Humans, it's what we do😂. I'm working on the acceptance piece of it.
Thanks for taking the time to comment Buddy, I always love seeing you here💕
I remember reading Russell Nohelty saying that Substack should be like a magazine that we flip through and read what gets our attention whenever we want. I love that. There is never any pressure to show up here and no such thing as being late to the party.
Oh my gosh, my friend, I nodded in agreement with this whole post! I often laugh at myself (because what else can I do) that I get so overwhelmed by something that is not obligatory and I'm totally choosing to do it. But, as you so perfectly pointed out, there's this ancestral need to nourish my loved ones (even if I'm not particularly great at it and really don't like doing it). Unlike you, however, I live in a city where's there's no shortage of takeout. And funnily enough, I do count it as checking the box of providing nourishment if I'm the one who does the ordering on the doordash app. 😂😂 Oh lordy, this has shined a big light on a lot of my neuroses! Thank you for this! 💖💖
Hey, whoever does the choosing and the organizing of the food is the provider regardless of what form it takes to arrive at the table! I hear you about shining the light on our little quirks - good thing you are our expert light-shiner!! As we both know, all we can do is keep our eyes and heart open as we explore our interior landscape to see what hills we have to climb. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment Jenna😘
Knowing and doing are two totally different things, as you and I are keenly aware of. However, on the VERY bright side, we have both taken action to live a sober lifestyle and this is a high form of doing so kudos to us, right?! Also, if we took action on all the things perhaps we would be obsessive and boring? Or am I just jealous of those who tackle all their demons without delay😂
Does housecleaning count? LOL. I mean, in my mid-to-late-20s, I would put Martha Stewart to shame. A friend even commented that she could eat off my kitchen floor. Thirties? Got busier. Having regular houseguests helped fuel the desire. I love to host and, like Dorinda, I make it nice. Forties? I moved to a smaller place. Fifties? Not only have I run out of fux, I have run out of house-cleanings. I mean, I do it. I'm not gross. But I resent it. RESENT IT! Now, the solution would be a housekeeper, right? But my place is so absurdly small, it would almost be embarrassing to ask someone to do it. But I am getting there. I have to pay off some of the courses I'm taking, and then I will. Because I really, really, really have better things to do with my time. And don't we all? xo
"I have run out of fux, I have run out of house-cleanings"🤣🤣🤣 That's the best Sandra! I think you could write a whole post about that.
I understand the conundrum about getting help for a small place but imagine how great it would feel to have it all be sparkly clean at once - and you didn't have to do it!! Your timeline is a great illustration of how we change and grow and it's important to recognize it and allow it to happen. Thanks for sharing!
It occurred to me that, as a single woman, now, I'm not putting the effort into cooking or making a nice meal that I did when cooking for someone else. I told myself it didn't matter, and cooking was no longer fun. I'm still not cooking, but I'm finding ways to have better meals.
It would be interesting to see how you felt if you did make yourself a nice special meal. Would it feel like a pain in the neck or would it bring you joy? Down the road I could see myself enjoying the occasional big cookfest, I think it's the daily grind that gets me down. Sending you gratitude for your presence here Janice😘
Taking a pause and checking in with yourself is the best way to avoid the auto pilot that runs our lives. I do love cooking too, but I also have patterns of self-abandonment that show up like not cooking and rather just making a sandwich. That's not always the healthiest option.
I agree Yvonne, we can learn so much about ourselves when we take the time to pause. I appreciate you using the term self-abandonment because sometimes that's what I feel when I DO cook and so far I have never felt it when I don't. This should send me a big message! We can learn so much about that awareness and it comes down to what are we going to do about it. Thank you for being here and taking the time to comment❤️
You touched on something fascinating. I don't think you're the only one who believes food will keep your kids safe. I think it's probably an early human instinct. When my son had severe reflux as a baby I was terrified for him. It wasn't just his health but if he didn't grow he wouldn't be strong. If he wasn't strong how would he ever protect himself in school? Hence, he wasn't safe. Meanwhile, food and eating is big in Judaism. The dining room table is the third temple. You are judged by a parent or grandparent if you don't have a second helping. I hope I didn't hand down this pattern to my kids. I do wonder if my son might subconsciously believe he didn't eat enough.
I am sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this insightful comment Carissa. Ironically I was away all day yesterday when I went to meet my son for lunch in a different town!
How fascinating that the dining table is the third temple in Judaism, thank you for sharing that. The whole idea of it makes sense from the point of connection and food being sacred.
It would be so scary to have your baby not seem to be thriving and I'm guessing it would be hard to let go of that sensation even once he was strong and healthy. It's always in the back of our minds (along with a lot of other uninvited stuff🤣).
Thanks for taking the time to comment in the midst of how busy you are!
Thanks for your article Donna. Unconscious mechanisms are also made up of the patterns we've acquired from previous generations. We end up copying them because it allows the brain to spend less energy interacting with reality. But the truth is that there are patterns that are harmful to us, although we don't always consciously know where our unhappiness comes from. In the end, we will have to break with these internalized patterns, otherwise we will be nothing more than a repetition of the past, with no real autonomy or freedom
There's nothing like having a professional drop in and offer the most amazing, and accurate, perspective! Thank you Rolando.
The word autonomy was what jumped out of this excellent comment. It's as if it pulled on my heartstrings asking me "is this what you want?" The answer is yes.
What? Not you😜 Just kidding! You are my amazing inspiration but I know that you are also a mortal human being getting through life (even if it is the life of a rock-star!) Yes, we are both infinite and divine and also occasionally invoke limitation (but we're working on that)❤️
If this essay were a dish, it would be perfectly seasoned with wit and lightly roasted existentialism. A+. I do love cooking—just not every day, and certainly not when life already feels like a pressure cooker. What struck me most was the way you hold space for contradiction: the need to keep cooking, while still allowing yourself to feel and examine what that stirs up. That kind of self-awareness, free of judgment or urgency, feels like a quiet revolution—because while stopping isn’t always possible, listening is.
I love this Thaissa, thank you! I chuckled at the cooking analogy and the letter grade. It's a pleasure to get such a delightful comment!
There are always two sides - with every blessing there is usually an accompanying downside. The lovely activities of daily living that accompany a full life can be a drag sometimes! Thank you for bringing your beautiful spirit to TBL, I'm so glad you are here😘
Does fiddling around on Substack qualify? xo
Always😘
Oh, wow, Donna. I love the post you linked to in this one so much. And what you wrote here - about the pattern and unconscious reasoning behind cooking for your boys and wanting them to eat well - filled my eyes with tears this morning (on Mother’s Day, no less). You just helped me better understand my mom - and soften a trigger and place of tension and miscommunication stretching back since my childhood. Thank you. ❤️
Thanks so much Dana, I appreciate your kind words. For the last few years I've been unravelling an interesting ancestral link to providing food for my loved ones and not all of that link is paved with gold🤣 Maybe I could say it's because I come from a line of farmers but I don't think so.
Sorry about my late response to your lovely comment, I've been horribly under the weather all week and am just resurfacing. Thanks for being here❤️
This made me smile. I love how your heart connects cooking and feeding your boys to them going out into the world stronger ❤️ And I know your boys appreciate it.
I also hate cooking. Even more now that I'm 100% alone besides my dog. I've never been a fan of it but it made me happier back in the day when there was a boy eating it.
I know I will be the same - when there is no one else to cook for it will be much more of a struggle. It seems like often, no matter what phase of life we are in, we want something a little different. Humans, it's what we do😂. I'm working on the acceptance piece of it.
Thanks for taking the time to comment Buddy, I always love seeing you here💕
And I always love showing up...sometimes late, but still here!
I remember reading Russell Nohelty saying that Substack should be like a magazine that we flip through and read what gets our attention whenever we want. I love that. There is never any pressure to show up here and no such thing as being late to the party.
Oh my gosh, my friend, I nodded in agreement with this whole post! I often laugh at myself (because what else can I do) that I get so overwhelmed by something that is not obligatory and I'm totally choosing to do it. But, as you so perfectly pointed out, there's this ancestral need to nourish my loved ones (even if I'm not particularly great at it and really don't like doing it). Unlike you, however, I live in a city where's there's no shortage of takeout. And funnily enough, I do count it as checking the box of providing nourishment if I'm the one who does the ordering on the doordash app. 😂😂 Oh lordy, this has shined a big light on a lot of my neuroses! Thank you for this! 💖💖
Hey, whoever does the choosing and the organizing of the food is the provider regardless of what form it takes to arrive at the table! I hear you about shining the light on our little quirks - good thing you are our expert light-shiner!! As we both know, all we can do is keep our eyes and heart open as we explore our interior landscape to see what hills we have to climb. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment Jenna😘
“Have you ever found that it’s one thing to see the patterns that are not serving you and another thing to fully change them?”
— this fact, which you do succinctly conveyed, bothers me to no end! Hahaha.
I mean, okay great, I’m conscious of the pattern, but now all that’s happening is I’m more aware that I cannot stop doing it hahaha.
Welp, I guess, no one over said this self-improvement stuff would be easy.
An interesting cooking conundrum you raise there Donna. And the deeper point it illuminates is just as interesting :)
Knowing and doing are two totally different things, as you and I are keenly aware of. However, on the VERY bright side, we have both taken action to live a sober lifestyle and this is a high form of doing so kudos to us, right?! Also, if we took action on all the things perhaps we would be obsessive and boring? Or am I just jealous of those who tackle all their demons without delay😂
Omg that’s brilliant — “perhaps we would be obsessive and boring?”
A fantastic point, my friend. Here’s to be slightly flawed and a whole lot of fun! Haha :)
Does housecleaning count? LOL. I mean, in my mid-to-late-20s, I would put Martha Stewart to shame. A friend even commented that she could eat off my kitchen floor. Thirties? Got busier. Having regular houseguests helped fuel the desire. I love to host and, like Dorinda, I make it nice. Forties? I moved to a smaller place. Fifties? Not only have I run out of fux, I have run out of house-cleanings. I mean, I do it. I'm not gross. But I resent it. RESENT IT! Now, the solution would be a housekeeper, right? But my place is so absurdly small, it would almost be embarrassing to ask someone to do it. But I am getting there. I have to pay off some of the courses I'm taking, and then I will. Because I really, really, really have better things to do with my time. And don't we all? xo
"I have run out of fux, I have run out of house-cleanings"🤣🤣🤣 That's the best Sandra! I think you could write a whole post about that.
I understand the conundrum about getting help for a small place but imagine how great it would feel to have it all be sparkly clean at once - and you didn't have to do it!! Your timeline is a great illustration of how we change and grow and it's important to recognize it and allow it to happen. Thanks for sharing!
It occurred to me that, as a single woman, now, I'm not putting the effort into cooking or making a nice meal that I did when cooking for someone else. I told myself it didn't matter, and cooking was no longer fun. I'm still not cooking, but I'm finding ways to have better meals.
It would be interesting to see how you felt if you did make yourself a nice special meal. Would it feel like a pain in the neck or would it bring you joy? Down the road I could see myself enjoying the occasional big cookfest, I think it's the daily grind that gets me down. Sending you gratitude for your presence here Janice😘
Taking a pause and checking in with yourself is the best way to avoid the auto pilot that runs our lives. I do love cooking too, but I also have patterns of self-abandonment that show up like not cooking and rather just making a sandwich. That's not always the healthiest option.
I agree Yvonne, we can learn so much about ourselves when we take the time to pause. I appreciate you using the term self-abandonment because sometimes that's what I feel when I DO cook and so far I have never felt it when I don't. This should send me a big message! We can learn so much about that awareness and it comes down to what are we going to do about it. Thank you for being here and taking the time to comment❤️
You touched on something fascinating. I don't think you're the only one who believes food will keep your kids safe. I think it's probably an early human instinct. When my son had severe reflux as a baby I was terrified for him. It wasn't just his health but if he didn't grow he wouldn't be strong. If he wasn't strong how would he ever protect himself in school? Hence, he wasn't safe. Meanwhile, food and eating is big in Judaism. The dining room table is the third temple. You are judged by a parent or grandparent if you don't have a second helping. I hope I didn't hand down this pattern to my kids. I do wonder if my son might subconsciously believe he didn't eat enough.
I am sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this insightful comment Carissa. Ironically I was away all day yesterday when I went to meet my son for lunch in a different town!
How fascinating that the dining table is the third temple in Judaism, thank you for sharing that. The whole idea of it makes sense from the point of connection and food being sacred.
It would be so scary to have your baby not seem to be thriving and I'm guessing it would be hard to let go of that sensation even once he was strong and healthy. It's always in the back of our minds (along with a lot of other uninvited stuff🤣).
Thanks for taking the time to comment in the midst of how busy you are!
Thanks for your article Donna. Unconscious mechanisms are also made up of the patterns we've acquired from previous generations. We end up copying them because it allows the brain to spend less energy interacting with reality. But the truth is that there are patterns that are harmful to us, although we don't always consciously know where our unhappiness comes from. In the end, we will have to break with these internalized patterns, otherwise we will be nothing more than a repetition of the past, with no real autonomy or freedom
There's nothing like having a professional drop in and offer the most amazing, and accurate, perspective! Thank you Rolando.
The word autonomy was what jumped out of this excellent comment. It's as if it pulled on my heartstrings asking me "is this what you want?" The answer is yes.
I know I’m infinite and divine, yet I always play the game of limitation
What? Not you😜 Just kidding! You are my amazing inspiration but I know that you are also a mortal human being getting through life (even if it is the life of a rock-star!) Yes, we are both infinite and divine and also occasionally invoke limitation (but we're working on that)❤️
🙌🙌🙌🙌
If this essay were a dish, it would be perfectly seasoned with wit and lightly roasted existentialism. A+. I do love cooking—just not every day, and certainly not when life already feels like a pressure cooker. What struck me most was the way you hold space for contradiction: the need to keep cooking, while still allowing yourself to feel and examine what that stirs up. That kind of self-awareness, free of judgment or urgency, feels like a quiet revolution—because while stopping isn’t always possible, listening is.
I love this Thaissa, thank you! I chuckled at the cooking analogy and the letter grade. It's a pleasure to get such a delightful comment!
There are always two sides - with every blessing there is usually an accompanying downside. The lovely activities of daily living that accompany a full life can be a drag sometimes! Thank you for bringing your beautiful spirit to TBL, I'm so glad you are here😘