The path out of urgency

it starts by ditching the drama

Hon, let’s imagine we are sitting together having coffee and a chat. It’s one of my favorite ways to spend time and I wish we were doing that IRL (in real life in case you’re not an acronym person). Envision me asking you about your rules because that’s what I’m nudging you to consider today — what are the standards you hold for yourself? Can you definitively tell me what they are?

I know, it’s a little tricky. Part of you may think ‘Been there-done that’. Another part, your unworthy self, may not feel deserving of a personal standard. Then there’s the inner you that’s too damn exhausted to bother. But becoming clear on your own set of rules is critical because doing so elevates your inner worthiness and shapes your life.

A reminder to choose a heart-centered life, right there on Main Street, Nakusp, BC

Let’s say you’re looking to change something. Elevating your standard is a way of asking who I need to become to make this change. Sometimes it can be as simple as recognizing the kind of situation we’re in and taking intentional action. I’m not necessarily talking about the big stuff, but rather the daily little things because, like the river wearing away the rock over time, they can become erosive without our noticing.

It helps to discern if something is important, urgent, or both. Those descriptions sound the same but, in this context, they aren’t. A sense of drama often accompanies the urgent, whether we are creating the crisis or someone else is. If we tend to face each day in a frenzy, looking for the immediate thing we need to overcome, perhaps it’s time to turn the spotlight on this habit of creating urgency. It’s possible to teach ourselves different skills and develop a wider perspective with a more grounded center. Eliminating the sense of drama in ourselves, or choosing to step away when it’s being thrown at us, is something we can learn to do. This becomes a rule we set for ourselves and elevates our standards.

One path out of urgency is to ask yourself ‘What level of ownership of the solution do I/they have?’ If there is no commitment to a path forward, perhaps the situation is simply a story from which you can mindfully withdraw, no matter if you are creating it or someone in your life is trying to pull you in. This awareness starts to shift your inner code.

Then there are the important things — the aspects of your life that are truly essential or meaningful. These feel different in our bodies. There is a subtle sizzle accompanying it that belongs only to you and in this space you can feel both excited and calm at the same time. The difficulty is that it becomes far too easy to push important to the side and respond to the urgent.

I have spent decades in service to the urgent. There’s no doubt that sometimes life simply calls us to this and there is no other way. Children, aging parents, pets, some aspects of earning a living, health issues, they all have agendas that need attending to. Stuff that feels urgent and is also important. But on the other side of the equation is the habit of responding without thinking, of allowing escalation when there need be none, and saying yes when we mean no.

There are two simple ways to start to change this pattern in our lives. The first is to notice it’s there. Pay attention to what your body tells you when you agree to chair that committee, bake five dozen cookies for the thing, or host a dinner when you would much rather read your book. Secondly, give it a little space before you respond. You can do this simply by taking a breath and tuning in. It may help to have a one-liner you dish out that gives you a little wiggle room. Something like, “Let me check my calendar and I’ll get back to you”. What you’re saying is this:

“Allow me a moment to catch my breath, tune in with my highest self to see if this is in my best interest and is the greatest good for all those around me, I need to make sure I can fully commit my whole self to what you are asking because when I don’t bring my whole, heart-centered self to the table, and I do it repetitively, I turn into a total bitch, and when that happens I don’t like myself, I treat others poorly, I don’t contribute in a meaningful way, my life gradually seems to lose its luster and if I do it year after year I no longer recognize myself, so just give me a little time to think about it and I’ll get right back to you because I want to help if I can.”

Sweetie, you just elevated your standard! When you do it again and again it becomes second nature and you gracefully do it without internal resistance.

When we put it that way it doesn’t seem quite so selfish, does it? We have the misconception that tuning in to our own needs and desires is a greedy, self-centered act but nothing can be further from the truth. Here is a quick thought experiment: how do you feel when you are around a person who is feeling great? How do you feel when you are around an exhausted person who is at their wit’s end?

The more you show up fully, as a whole-hearted, high-standard-setting, gorgeous human the better we will all be. There is a ripple effect. It’s how we change the world.

I want to share with you an adapted prayer from a writer I love, Tosha Silver.

S E L F W O R T H

Change me into one who truly knows his self-worth.

Allow me to say what I want and need in a relationship, without the fear of rejection or abandonment. Free me from those who are incapable of giving.

Allow me to always feel fully deserving to receive.

Change me, Divine Beloved, into One who KNOWS without doubt my worthiness. Let me always know I need never convince anyone of my value.

Change me, Divine Beloved, into One who can inundate myself with love, acceptance, and compassion. Let me do so, then let me pour this love with abandon into the world.

I urge you to allow the important things into your life. If it’s hard just take one baby step at a time. Claim your worthiness by holding your standard, the one you set for yourself, because you’re amazing. It’s the only reason you need.

xoxo Donna

When we are considering our standard we likely want to get the word SHOULD out of our life. I love this essay by my friend

Dee Rambeau

where he reminds us to ditch that word.

The worst word in the language

P.S.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments, what have you done to step away from drama in your daily life?