Drama! I've been working hard to catch myself in the moment if I see it being created. I try not to escalate the situation with my tone of voice or one-upping the person I'm talking with. I'll be in conversation and think, "oh yeah, well THIS happened to me!" but then I choose not to say it out loud. Making these small changes has shifted my energy and become a rule I live by as best I can (meaning I don't always pull it off).
There is so much goodness here. You use the words code and rules for living. The word that came to mind for me was values. For people not sure where to start on determining values, there are tons of quizzes online to help get clear on what’s most important you, those big buckets. Then you can determine how aligned your life is to your values. That’s often a source of our suffering, when we’re not living our values. Once we know what they are, then we can filter down to actions to bring us back into alignment.
The other point you make that has been so helpful to me personally is mindfully withdrawing from the story. I’m a master at making stories up, often to my detriment. Lately, I’ve been challenging myself. When I don’t know it for a fact, I don’t let it become the narrative.
Aligning with our values is a vital part of the puzzle. You are right Kristi that when we are out of alignment with them we suffer. I think that's a simple, accurate way of putting it that will stick in our mind. "If I'm out of alignment I will suffer" - but first we have to know what those values are, what is truly important to us. Thanks for bringing this up❤
I am also a master at making up stories that don't serve me but I'm happy to report I'm getting a little better at recognizing when it's happening and do my best to question it.
"Mindfully withdraw" is a powerful prompt indeed. My own version came to me years ago, in Spanish, for some reason: "No es mi problema," that is, "It's not my problem"—because, so often, it's not, and I can choose not to involve myself. I love love love being a no-drama person, and I don't spend time with people who seem to enjoy or immerse themselves in drama and endless, frantic, urgency.
Sometimes that means moving on, which doesn't mean avoiding things when they do need to be addressed. I recently ended a friendship because when something came up between us, he refused to dialogue, claiming that I was "being a dick" by and that he was refusing to be "criticized." Well, my former friend, if you can't even have a conversation about it, then I am going to mindfully withdraw. Adios amigo, in that case.
One of the techniques that I continually return to for myself to maintain a zero-drama emotional bank balance is to Let Monday Be Truth Day, which I write about here →
Bowen, I love that your prompt came to you in Spanish! Amazing how the heart and brain work. Thank you for sharing your post about truth day. I didn't catch that one the first time round so look forward to checking it out.
-- “Let’s say you’re looking to change something. Elevating your standard is a way of asking who I need to become to make this change. Sometimes it can be as simple as recognizing the kind of situation we’re in and taking intentional action.” -- Oh, I am so happy that you have felt compelled to write all this, Donna. Your writing always impresses me the most! Above all, it’s how you confidently get to fill the blanks in such a brave way; and in doing so, communicates complex sentiments and defiant character’s traits in an incredibly wise manner. The inner voice monologue that often shows up on my mind resonates with yours, madly. Thank you for sharing and being who you are. Xo.
Oh my goodness Thaissa I appreciate this so much❤ It is lovely that we are on the same wavelength because I feel the same when I read your work and it means a lot to hear from you. I got a chuckle when you said 'defiant character's traits' because it brought to mind the tiny scoundrel sitting on my shoulder. That little guy is not bad, sometimes they are confused or angry or want to act like a child that's all. They are over there simply being a defiant scoundrel!
— I am so glad my words could reach your heart, Donna. Especially, because your feelings about my work have truly reached mine. I once read one of @Isabel Cowles Murphy essays about “these little guys” sitting on our shoulders, and that made me inwardly reflect on the depth of the matter. They might have multiple names, but they also can only be ignited by the power we choose to give them, right? Xo.
You are so welcome Rolando. I look forward to reading your articles and yes, please link one here in the comments if it's relevant to what I'm discussing too. It's nice for my readers to have access to other writers.
I subconsciously created so many situations of urgency in my life that it got too much for me to bear. I still find myself looping back into the same old pattern sometimes but having the awareness allows you to identify when to stop. This was a really insightful newsletter. Thank you!
Mansi thank you!! The urgency becoming too much to bear seems to fluctuate. I know I am getting better at it but sometimes it comes back. For example, right now I am caring for my aging, unhealthy Mom and that brings a sense of urgency and sometimes I feel it's more than I can bear. I find if I am well rested I can hold it in the important category but when I get run down it seems to move to the other side of the equation. I'm working on it, as are you. I'm so glad we are here together❤
"Should" is a bad word. If I really really need to give my grown kids advice I'll say, "You might want to think about..." or "Maybe consider..." It's a gentler, kinder "should."
Urgent vs Important? Been there. It's a secret message that says, "Prioritize."
I love that you share your wisdom in your Substack.
I love the secret message Carissa! You are right, it's like the whisper that keeps getting louder. It's interesting when our message deviates from the norm, right? I know you know this! When we have to dig deep to hold the course.
Thanks, as always, for being here. It means a lot.
There is so much to love in this post! I've always felt that I need drama - perhaps because it always seems to be in such large supply around me. You've made me think about it entirely differently, though.
I can relate to your need for drama Rebecca. I think it's quite common, some of us more than others. The reasons why we need it have many deep layers (I sense I want to write about that so thank you!), yet if our life goal is peace and freedom we need to begin to question it. I know peace and freedom are lofty goals but sometimes I range into the Type A personality🤣
From one Not-Yet-Reformed Drama Queen to another...we can do this!
This is so good, Donna, thank you! I love that you pointed out the part about taking a moment to respond. For me, that moment is the difference between reacting and responding. (And, quite honestly, my reactions never make a situation better. 😁)
Argh! I hear you! It's a work in progress for sure. When I don't take that moment and reset, if I simply dive right in, I realize that something in me is really trying to get my attention. It's in those unhealed parts that we lose the ability to take a step back.
So much great stuff in here. Wisdom is hard won and it takes work and heartache to earn it. Dropping the drama is a must. I retreated for a couple of years as my internal nervous system couldn’t handle any drama. At first whiff, I closed the door to it. Not super healthy to shut down completely, but it’s what was needed to allow my body to heal.
Good point about our internal nervous system Kim. Thanks for bringing that up. Shutting down completely is not the best way, yet sometimes it's the only way, and we have to allow for that. Perhaps that's what sensitive folks need to do occasionally so we can go forward and be able to handle what the world is dishing out. Ultimately (ha! that sounds like a dramatic work hey?!) I think it's about learning to be OK 'out there' when you're super sensitive 'in here, and sometimes that requires a full break (and to do the work, which I know you have).
I really enjoyed this Donna. I loved the suggestion to have little one liner up your sleeve to by you some time — I’m going to have to come up with my own one of those. And I loved the part about what that one liner is really saying - that was brilliant!
I also thought the line below, was such an important and poignant point:
“The difficulty is that it becomes far too easy to push important to the side and respond to the urgent.”
Yes, and don't you forget that your skateboarding is important, and your photography! (I think you're a skater right? I apologize if I got that wrong).
Thank you for using the word brilliant! Wow, that is a first for me and I appreciate it!
I am definitely a skateboarder, Donna. And it is definitely important to me. In fact, skateboarding is a big part of what inspired me to start writing - there will be a post about this one day.
So many things to love about this Donna this being one of my favourites "the situation is simply a story from which you can mindfully withdraw". When we can honour ourselves enough and love ourselves enough, to set our boundaries, we cam make that silent observation to confirm that this is not part of our story. Perfectly beautiful. Thank you. 🙏
Louise, I appreciate this and am so glad you found value here. It means a lot that you took the time to comment.❤
It's interesting how we don't realize that many situations don't require our attention, never mind our energy. Giving ourselves that little nudge of consideration can save a lot of angst!
I create my own drama through worry rather than trusting myself and life. Thanks to Paul from Deflatable Platform, who wrote about James Cleary and "mindset reframes." I especially like Nelson Mandela's saying "I never lose, I either win or learn."
Yes, Paul writes great stuff. Not sure if you noticed but he linked one of his articles in the comments here which I think you would like. Thank you for sharing that Mandela quote, it is a great reminder.
Also Janice, thank you for being here with me. You continue to inspire!
Drama! I've been working hard to catch myself in the moment if I see it being created. I try not to escalate the situation with my tone of voice or one-upping the person I'm talking with. I'll be in conversation and think, "oh yeah, well THIS happened to me!" but then I choose not to say it out loud. Making these small changes has shifted my energy and become a rule I live by as best I can (meaning I don't always pull it off).
There is so much goodness here. You use the words code and rules for living. The word that came to mind for me was values. For people not sure where to start on determining values, there are tons of quizzes online to help get clear on what’s most important you, those big buckets. Then you can determine how aligned your life is to your values. That’s often a source of our suffering, when we’re not living our values. Once we know what they are, then we can filter down to actions to bring us back into alignment.
The other point you make that has been so helpful to me personally is mindfully withdrawing from the story. I’m a master at making stories up, often to my detriment. Lately, I’ve been challenging myself. When I don’t know it for a fact, I don’t let it become the narrative.
Aligning with our values is a vital part of the puzzle. You are right Kristi that when we are out of alignment with them we suffer. I think that's a simple, accurate way of putting it that will stick in our mind. "If I'm out of alignment I will suffer" - but first we have to know what those values are, what is truly important to us. Thanks for bringing this up❤
I am also a master at making up stories that don't serve me but I'm happy to report I'm getting a little better at recognizing when it's happening and do my best to question it.
Such a lovely observation and helpful reminder of our perspective of time and self worth. Thank you 🙏
Marcus, I appreciate your kindswords and that you took the time to make a comment. It means a lot.
Great piece here Donna!
"Mindfully withdraw" is a powerful prompt indeed. My own version came to me years ago, in Spanish, for some reason: "No es mi problema," that is, "It's not my problem"—because, so often, it's not, and I can choose not to involve myself. I love love love being a no-drama person, and I don't spend time with people who seem to enjoy or immerse themselves in drama and endless, frantic, urgency.
Sometimes that means moving on, which doesn't mean avoiding things when they do need to be addressed. I recently ended a friendship because when something came up between us, he refused to dialogue, claiming that I was "being a dick" by and that he was refusing to be "criticized." Well, my former friend, if you can't even have a conversation about it, then I am going to mindfully withdraw. Adios amigo, in that case.
One of the techniques that I continually return to for myself to maintain a zero-drama emotional bank balance is to Let Monday Be Truth Day, which I write about here →
https://open.substack.com/pub/bowendwelle/p/let-monday-be-truth-day
Bowen, I love that your prompt came to you in Spanish! Amazing how the heart and brain work. Thank you for sharing your post about truth day. I didn't catch that one the first time round so look forward to checking it out.
"imagine we are sitting together having coffee and chatting..." Here is a post I wrote last year about what is important to me. https://pau1.substack.com/p/my-owners-manual-for-2022
Have you written yours?
Thank you for sharing this Paul, I look forward to checking it out!
-- “Let’s say you’re looking to change something. Elevating your standard is a way of asking who I need to become to make this change. Sometimes it can be as simple as recognizing the kind of situation we’re in and taking intentional action.” -- Oh, I am so happy that you have felt compelled to write all this, Donna. Your writing always impresses me the most! Above all, it’s how you confidently get to fill the blanks in such a brave way; and in doing so, communicates complex sentiments and defiant character’s traits in an incredibly wise manner. The inner voice monologue that often shows up on my mind resonates with yours, madly. Thank you for sharing and being who you are. Xo.
Oh my goodness Thaissa I appreciate this so much❤ It is lovely that we are on the same wavelength because I feel the same when I read your work and it means a lot to hear from you. I got a chuckle when you said 'defiant character's traits' because it brought to mind the tiny scoundrel sitting on my shoulder. That little guy is not bad, sometimes they are confused or angry or want to act like a child that's all. They are over there simply being a defiant scoundrel!
— I am so glad my words could reach your heart, Donna. Especially, because your feelings about my work have truly reached mine. I once read one of @Isabel Cowles Murphy essays about “these little guys” sitting on our shoulders, and that made me inwardly reflect on the depth of the matter. They might have multiple names, but they also can only be ignited by the power we choose to give them, right? Xo.
“We have the misconception that tuning in to our own needs and desires is a greedy, self-centered act but nothing can be further from the truth.”
Just love this. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Thanks for the pointer Donna. YTB!
Everyone is invited to read my essay. Not saying they have to...not saying they ought to. Just an invitation ☺️
Thank you Dee! I hope everyone reads your essay, I loved it.
thanks for sharing this Donna. I write a lot about Time and Emotions.
One of this days I share some of my writing abou this subject here.
You are so welcome Rolando. I look forward to reading your articles and yes, please link one here in the comments if it's relevant to what I'm discussing too. It's nice for my readers to have access to other writers.
I subconsciously created so many situations of urgency in my life that it got too much for me to bear. I still find myself looping back into the same old pattern sometimes but having the awareness allows you to identify when to stop. This was a really insightful newsletter. Thank you!
Mansi thank you!! The urgency becoming too much to bear seems to fluctuate. I know I am getting better at it but sometimes it comes back. For example, right now I am caring for my aging, unhealthy Mom and that brings a sense of urgency and sometimes I feel it's more than I can bear. I find if I am well rested I can hold it in the important category but when I get run down it seems to move to the other side of the equation. I'm working on it, as are you. I'm so glad we are here together❤
Great advice here.
"Should" is a bad word. If I really really need to give my grown kids advice I'll say, "You might want to think about..." or "Maybe consider..." It's a gentler, kinder "should."
Urgent vs Important? Been there. It's a secret message that says, "Prioritize."
I love that you share your wisdom in your Substack.
I love the secret message Carissa! You are right, it's like the whisper that keeps getting louder. It's interesting when our message deviates from the norm, right? I know you know this! When we have to dig deep to hold the course.
Thanks, as always, for being here. It means a lot.
Sending hugs, sis.
Back at you!
There is so much to love in this post! I've always felt that I need drama - perhaps because it always seems to be in such large supply around me. You've made me think about it entirely differently, though.
Donna, I'm going to ditch it!
I can relate to your need for drama Rebecca. I think it's quite common, some of us more than others. The reasons why we need it have many deep layers (I sense I want to write about that so thank you!), yet if our life goal is peace and freedom we need to begin to question it. I know peace and freedom are lofty goals but sometimes I range into the Type A personality🤣
From one Not-Yet-Reformed Drama Queen to another...we can do this!
We CAN do this! 🙌
This is so good, Donna, thank you! I love that you pointed out the part about taking a moment to respond. For me, that moment is the difference between reacting and responding. (And, quite honestly, my reactions never make a situation better. 😁)
Argh! I hear you! It's a work in progress for sure. When I don't take that moment and reset, if I simply dive right in, I realize that something in me is really trying to get my attention. It's in those unhealed parts that we lose the ability to take a step back.
I'm so glad you liked the article Jenna❤ xo
So much great stuff in here. Wisdom is hard won and it takes work and heartache to earn it. Dropping the drama is a must. I retreated for a couple of years as my internal nervous system couldn’t handle any drama. At first whiff, I closed the door to it. Not super healthy to shut down completely, but it’s what was needed to allow my body to heal.
Good point about our internal nervous system Kim. Thanks for bringing that up. Shutting down completely is not the best way, yet sometimes it's the only way, and we have to allow for that. Perhaps that's what sensitive folks need to do occasionally so we can go forward and be able to handle what the world is dishing out. Ultimately (ha! that sounds like a dramatic work hey?!) I think it's about learning to be OK 'out there' when you're super sensitive 'in here, and sometimes that requires a full break (and to do the work, which I know you have).
I really enjoyed this Donna. I loved the suggestion to have little one liner up your sleeve to by you some time — I’m going to have to come up with my own one of those. And I loved the part about what that one liner is really saying - that was brilliant!
I also thought the line below, was such an important and poignant point:
“The difficulty is that it becomes far too easy to push important to the side and respond to the urgent.”
Thank you Donna :)
Yes, and don't you forget that your skateboarding is important, and your photography! (I think you're a skater right? I apologize if I got that wrong).
Thank you for using the word brilliant! Wow, that is a first for me and I appreciate it!
I am definitely a skateboarder, Donna. And it is definitely important to me. In fact, skateboarding is a big part of what inspired me to start writing - there will be a post about this one day.
My pleasure, Donna, the word is much deserved :)
So many things to love about this Donna this being one of my favourites "the situation is simply a story from which you can mindfully withdraw". When we can honour ourselves enough and love ourselves enough, to set our boundaries, we cam make that silent observation to confirm that this is not part of our story. Perfectly beautiful. Thank you. 🙏
Louise, I appreciate this and am so glad you found value here. It means a lot that you took the time to comment.❤
It's interesting how we don't realize that many situations don't require our attention, never mind our energy. Giving ourselves that little nudge of consideration can save a lot of angst!
I create my own drama through worry rather than trusting myself and life. Thanks to Paul from Deflatable Platform, who wrote about James Cleary and "mindset reframes." I especially like Nelson Mandela's saying "I never lose, I either win or learn."
Yes, Paul writes great stuff. Not sure if you noticed but he linked one of his articles in the comments here which I think you would like. Thank you for sharing that Mandela quote, it is a great reminder.
Also Janice, thank you for being here with me. You continue to inspire!