Oh, Donna, YES! I have actual tears in my eyes reading this. This message of actually not needing to stretch beyond our comfort zones in order to be fulfilled is the message I was practically shouting all year in 2023. As you so beautifully said here, life will give us all the opportunity we need to be uncomfortable. We don't need to reach for discomfort. I believe that resiliency actually comes from cultivating a foundation of comfort/safety, one that we can trust and rely on, especially when we need it most. (And that foundation of comfort will likely look different for everyone, but I have a feeling self-trust plays at least a part in it.) I love so much that this is your message here and I totally agree that this is going to be a key part of us getting through these changing times (until we unfold into that more relational way). Thank you for sharing your brilliance, my friend! And I really, really want to go to that coffee shop with you someday! 💖💖
I remember us talking about this a couple years ago. You opened my eyes to invoking comfort because I'd not thought about it as having the capacity to carry us and create resilience. As you can see here, I've thought a lot about it since then - so thank you for being my teacher on that and so many other things 🙏
I appreciate you taking the time to comment Jenna, and yes...someday we WILL meet in that coffee shop!
“But maybe not turning away is the work.” — what a banger of line Donna.
Of late, there have been many things I’ve wanted to turn away from, to just run and hide and stick my head in the sand, but life in its infinite wisdom seems to always invite me to not do that, and instead to find a way to stare are the abyss.
I really enjoyed this piece for a number of reasons, but as I have mentioned before I love it when you share a story with us that serves the piece — and the shopping cart incident is an especially good example of that. :)
Had you been with us at on the night of the shopping cart incident I know you would have joined in wholeheartedly🤣
Reading your words about staring into the abyss, on the edge of something you want to turn away from, makes it sound so calm. I'm thinking that I would be kicking and screaming while being held to the fire of wanting it all to be different. I'm sure you, too, feel that way inside but tend to be a little less dramatic than me!
If Evie wanted to, she could tell many stories of me being terribly over dramatic. In fact, I just play cool, calm, and collected on Substack — really I’m a mess! Haha :)
I love your personal story. Beautifully written. I could visualize you and your buddy giggling with the shopping cart. I’m sure I’ve had a similar situation.
I’ve changed my mind about many people I thought I knew. Oct 7 has brought out the worst. The anti semites are vocal and violent. There are fewer places in the world I would visit. Toronto has become a hub of Jew hatred. Carney is no friend of Israel. I feel terrible for the Jews who live there. Europe is doomed. This has been consuming my life as I try to act normal otherwise I would not get out of bed.
One of the most uncomfortable things we can do is be in the moment. And that is really where life *is*. Or, at least that's my theory, and I'm sticking with it! Lovely post, Donna. And you will always be the gal riding the the shopping cart. xo
Ha, thanks Sandra Ann! I love that you think I'll always be riding the shopping cart.
My eyeballs got wide at your opening sentence which I love so much. It doesn't just have a ring of truth to it, it's the whole damn truth and it's so hard! It is verrrry uncomfortable to hold the present. Perhaps I'll try just saying to myself STAY. STAY. STAY. and see if that works.
Thanks for this comment, I appreciate that it's got me thinking.
I love female friendship. It feels so sacred, so nourishing. As i am now the slightly older woman amongst some of my friends I've got to try to fill the big sister shoes, it's an honour and a reminder of time passing, of my own growing.
I haven't been to jail, but I did have my apartment raided by cops, and was strip searched... it's a long story from my tumultuous past that is now (thankfully) far behind me.
Hmmm, your story about the raid might be the topic of an interesting essay! If you've already written about it please drop a link in the comments so we can all check it out. Who doesn't love a checkered past😜
Having younger friends will keep us young just as having older friends will keep us wise, theoretically. I know it's not the case for everyone but I'm with you in that I've found my female friendships amongst the most nourishing in my life. Whether it's the big sister or the therapist role there are many hats to wear.
Hello, Donna. Thank you very much for sharing. I really enjoyed it. I often tell my patients in psychotherapy that sometimes we are uncomfortable... in our comfort zone. You've probably found yourself thinking or saying things like “it's always been like this”, “I can't change, it's not even worth trying”, “I've tried to lose weight, but I can't”, “my life will always be like this”. If you think or verbalize your opinion of yourself in these terms, it probably means that you have retreated into your “comfort zone”.
For many people, the “comfort zone” is a place of security, coziness and comfort; a place, a person, a certain situation or way of being that allows us to relieve (at least temporarily) an anguish or mental pain that seems stronger and more resistant than us. “When I feel anxious, I go to get some air”; “I don't even want to think about this problem”; “I'd like to do that, but I'm afraid”; “this situation has been going on for so long that I've just let it go”. Who hasn't used expressions like these before? They're all signs of escaping into the comfort zone.
The biggest problem (even if we don't realize it) with the comfort zone, which generates momentary comfort, is that this comfort tends to turn into accommodation. And from this accommodation to an escape that distances us from who we are, the discomfort of the comfort zone insidiously grows. Although it creates an illusory sense of security, comfort and welcome, constantly escaping into our comfort zone is almost always toxic and paralyzing in the long run, generating emotional and behavioral impasses and full of clearly suffocating and notoriously uncomfortable dead ends.
What drives us to flee?
The driving force behind escaping the comfort zone is most often fear, a sense of dread or threat. When we don't have the capacity or courage to face it, we almost always run away to avoid it. We flee to the comfort zone. When we let fear drive our lives, we don't grow.
We are like a puzzle with no solution, because some pieces have been destroyed or lost. That's why it's necessary to leave the comfort zone in order to be happy. And sometimes that doesn't even mean taking risks, but rather questioning, opening our minds to new ways of living and hoping that in the end it will all have been worth it, not because it didn't hurt, but because we were who we really wanted to be.
Yes, we are like a puzzle with no solution. It will be helpful for me to keep this in mind, thank you Rolando.
I agree wholeheartedly with your thoughts on our comfort zone. It's fantastic to have a professional weigh in on topics like this, I feel so fortunate to have you in this community!
I know that we ultimately stay in our comfort zone when we are driven by fear and often it's unconscious. What I'm feeling these days is a distinct, and unique, discomfort that is collective and global and it's there all the time. This has not happened before. I am curious if you feel this in Europe or it's primarily in North America, and especially the US.
Hi Donna. Tha k you for your kind words. Yes we feel it in Europe. I'll give you an example: I have one family member who is a military, and we até afraid that he's going to leave Portugal to fight for another country. We are not used to this kind of things in Europe. We are also driven by yhe fear of Nazi rising, and I think when people are moved by fear, ultimately they fight. It's a never ending cycle of despair, fear, and impotence.
Major jaw drop on this one lol. How did you know it was JUST what I needed today. I'm sure everyone feels like this was written just for them, because that's how excellent a writer you are. I've printed it and will read it often to remind myself that in this world of agitated, agonizing and soul-crushing uncertainty, we can stop for a moment and figure out a way to find some solace and comfort. Much love.
And here you are! My beloved partner in crime❤️❤️ Yay!
Thank you for your kind words Lisa, I am so glad they landed in your heart to offer some kind of comfort. As you know, I tend to write to myself so it's always nice when my words are helpful for someone else. I appreciate you taking the time to comment in the midst of a very busy time.
Oh Donna, this is such a beautiful and nourishing read. Here’s what I’m learning about myself: I’ve been really good at the doing, the pushing, the expanding, the “doing hard things“ and what I’ve struggled with is BEING - being in the ease, in the flow and the fluidity of just being. Sometimes when you can do hard things, you need to learn how to do the easy things. Especially when the easy things seem hard. XO.
You nailed it Christina! I think we often have it backward in our hustle culture and the softer side of being becomes very difficult. It's like we need to train our brain and our body to slow down. Now - I get that these are words we see ALL THE TIME, so often that we go ya, ya and tune them out. But when we truly implement allowing into our life it is so much harder than our thinking minds expect. Yet, when the world feels like it's crashing down perhaps that's what we must lean on. You are doing amazing work teaching this to the folks who run the show and that's how true change will happen.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment❤️You have been on my mind lately and I've been wanting to check in so it's great to see you here.
This world is all stirred up and the sludge from the bottom of the container is floating everywhere. There’s no point in putting on rose colored glasses. We have to face it. But like you say, the work isn’t out there, it’s inside.
Trouble used to be my middle name. I was involved in hijinks all the time involving alcohol and silly behaviour. Nowadays, I limit myself to just silly behaviour. Funny thing, without the alcohol, I rarely need to worry about law enforcement anymore!
I love meeting fellow reformed kindred souls, like you, who have cleared away many habits that were not serving them to see the good stuff underneath (kinda like what's happening with our world these days). Yes, we must face what is really going on while holding on to our belief that it will get better.
It's strange: I've never been averse to risk, but when I've taken them and they haven't worked out, they've always been referendums on my self-worth - until recently! So that's been the major change in my outlook: to take the risk, but not let it be about Me if it doesn't work out - nor if it succeeds - it's just another step on the path of life, and I can always take another one, and another, and another. As always, I feel like I'm right there with you, my dear, sipping a latte and feeling at peace. And you KNOW I've been in the back of a cop car AND an ER after some bad choices... 😂🩷☕
I am so glad you made it out alive and are here to tell your tale Troy😘
I appreciate the way you word this about risk being a referendum on self-worth!!! I have never considered it quite in that context and I feel like it's a palm slap to the forehead - duh! That is exactly what it is and, only now reading your thoughtful comment, do I see that without personal risk I don't feel like I matter as much.
WOW!
There is much work to be done on this side of the ocean (I'm referring to my own mind and heart, not the political situ, although there is that too!) Thank you so much for opening things up this way💕
Oh, Donna, YES! I have actual tears in my eyes reading this. This message of actually not needing to stretch beyond our comfort zones in order to be fulfilled is the message I was practically shouting all year in 2023. As you so beautifully said here, life will give us all the opportunity we need to be uncomfortable. We don't need to reach for discomfort. I believe that resiliency actually comes from cultivating a foundation of comfort/safety, one that we can trust and rely on, especially when we need it most. (And that foundation of comfort will likely look different for everyone, but I have a feeling self-trust plays at least a part in it.) I love so much that this is your message here and I totally agree that this is going to be a key part of us getting through these changing times (until we unfold into that more relational way). Thank you for sharing your brilliance, my friend! And I really, really want to go to that coffee shop with you someday! 💖💖
I remember us talking about this a couple years ago. You opened my eyes to invoking comfort because I'd not thought about it as having the capacity to carry us and create resilience. As you can see here, I've thought a lot about it since then - so thank you for being my teacher on that and so many other things 🙏
I appreciate you taking the time to comment Jenna, and yes...someday we WILL meet in that coffee shop!
“But maybe not turning away is the work.” — what a banger of line Donna.
Of late, there have been many things I’ve wanted to turn away from, to just run and hide and stick my head in the sand, but life in its infinite wisdom seems to always invite me to not do that, and instead to find a way to stare are the abyss.
I really enjoyed this piece for a number of reasons, but as I have mentioned before I love it when you share a story with us that serves the piece — and the shopping cart incident is an especially good example of that. :)
Had you been with us at on the night of the shopping cart incident I know you would have joined in wholeheartedly🤣
Reading your words about staring into the abyss, on the edge of something you want to turn away from, makes it sound so calm. I'm thinking that I would be kicking and screaming while being held to the fire of wanting it all to be different. I'm sure you, too, feel that way inside but tend to be a little less dramatic than me!
Thanks for your kind words about the piece.
I definitely would’ve joined in haha.
If Evie wanted to, she could tell many stories of me being terribly over dramatic. In fact, I just play cool, calm, and collected on Substack — really I’m a mess! Haha :)
Kindred messy soul!
Indeed :)
I love your personal story. Beautifully written. I could visualize you and your buddy giggling with the shopping cart. I’m sure I’ve had a similar situation.
I’ve changed my mind about many people I thought I knew. Oct 7 has brought out the worst. The anti semites are vocal and violent. There are fewer places in the world I would visit. Toronto has become a hub of Jew hatred. Carney is no friend of Israel. I feel terrible for the Jews who live there. Europe is doomed. This has been consuming my life as I try to act normal otherwise I would not get out of bed.
Thanks CK❤️ It's so hard when we are consumed by things that are beyond our control. I'm sending you love as we all navigate these tough times.
One of the most uncomfortable things we can do is be in the moment. And that is really where life *is*. Or, at least that's my theory, and I'm sticking with it! Lovely post, Donna. And you will always be the gal riding the the shopping cart. xo
Ha, thanks Sandra Ann! I love that you think I'll always be riding the shopping cart.
My eyeballs got wide at your opening sentence which I love so much. It doesn't just have a ring of truth to it, it's the whole damn truth and it's so hard! It is verrrry uncomfortable to hold the present. Perhaps I'll try just saying to myself STAY. STAY. STAY. and see if that works.
Thanks for this comment, I appreciate that it's got me thinking.
Thank you, Donna. No one should have to think on a Monday, though. LOL. ❤️ xo
I love female friendship. It feels so sacred, so nourishing. As i am now the slightly older woman amongst some of my friends I've got to try to fill the big sister shoes, it's an honour and a reminder of time passing, of my own growing.
I haven't been to jail, but I did have my apartment raided by cops, and was strip searched... it's a long story from my tumultuous past that is now (thankfully) far behind me.
Hmmm, your story about the raid might be the topic of an interesting essay! If you've already written about it please drop a link in the comments so we can all check it out. Who doesn't love a checkered past😜
Having younger friends will keep us young just as having older friends will keep us wise, theoretically. I know it's not the case for everyone but I'm with you in that I've found my female friendships amongst the most nourishing in my life. Whether it's the big sister or the therapist role there are many hats to wear.
Thanks for being here Evie💕
I have not written about it, but maybe I should…
It’s truly a blessing and one you evoke so well in your piece.
Thank you!
Beautiful, just beautiful. Thank you
Thank you so much Renee, I appreciate your comment💕
Hello, Donna. Thank you very much for sharing. I really enjoyed it. I often tell my patients in psychotherapy that sometimes we are uncomfortable... in our comfort zone. You've probably found yourself thinking or saying things like “it's always been like this”, “I can't change, it's not even worth trying”, “I've tried to lose weight, but I can't”, “my life will always be like this”. If you think or verbalize your opinion of yourself in these terms, it probably means that you have retreated into your “comfort zone”.
For many people, the “comfort zone” is a place of security, coziness and comfort; a place, a person, a certain situation or way of being that allows us to relieve (at least temporarily) an anguish or mental pain that seems stronger and more resistant than us. “When I feel anxious, I go to get some air”; “I don't even want to think about this problem”; “I'd like to do that, but I'm afraid”; “this situation has been going on for so long that I've just let it go”. Who hasn't used expressions like these before? They're all signs of escaping into the comfort zone.
The biggest problem (even if we don't realize it) with the comfort zone, which generates momentary comfort, is that this comfort tends to turn into accommodation. And from this accommodation to an escape that distances us from who we are, the discomfort of the comfort zone insidiously grows. Although it creates an illusory sense of security, comfort and welcome, constantly escaping into our comfort zone is almost always toxic and paralyzing in the long run, generating emotional and behavioral impasses and full of clearly suffocating and notoriously uncomfortable dead ends.
What drives us to flee?
The driving force behind escaping the comfort zone is most often fear, a sense of dread or threat. When we don't have the capacity or courage to face it, we almost always run away to avoid it. We flee to the comfort zone. When we let fear drive our lives, we don't grow.
We are like a puzzle with no solution, because some pieces have been destroyed or lost. That's why it's necessary to leave the comfort zone in order to be happy. And sometimes that doesn't even mean taking risks, but rather questioning, opening our minds to new ways of living and hoping that in the end it will all have been worth it, not because it didn't hurt, but because we were who we really wanted to be.
Yes, we are like a puzzle with no solution. It will be helpful for me to keep this in mind, thank you Rolando.
I agree wholeheartedly with your thoughts on our comfort zone. It's fantastic to have a professional weigh in on topics like this, I feel so fortunate to have you in this community!
I know that we ultimately stay in our comfort zone when we are driven by fear and often it's unconscious. What I'm feeling these days is a distinct, and unique, discomfort that is collective and global and it's there all the time. This has not happened before. I am curious if you feel this in Europe or it's primarily in North America, and especially the US.
Hi Donna. Tha k you for your kind words. Yes we feel it in Europe. I'll give you an example: I have one family member who is a military, and we até afraid that he's going to leave Portugal to fight for another country. We are not used to this kind of things in Europe. We are also driven by yhe fear of Nazi rising, and I think when people are moved by fear, ultimately they fight. It's a never ending cycle of despair, fear, and impotence.
Major jaw drop on this one lol. How did you know it was JUST what I needed today. I'm sure everyone feels like this was written just for them, because that's how excellent a writer you are. I've printed it and will read it often to remind myself that in this world of agitated, agonizing and soul-crushing uncertainty, we can stop for a moment and figure out a way to find some solace and comfort. Much love.
And here you are! My beloved partner in crime❤️❤️ Yay!
Thank you for your kind words Lisa, I am so glad they landed in your heart to offer some kind of comfort. As you know, I tend to write to myself so it's always nice when my words are helpful for someone else. I appreciate you taking the time to comment in the midst of a very busy time.
Oh Donna, this is such a beautiful and nourishing read. Here’s what I’m learning about myself: I’ve been really good at the doing, the pushing, the expanding, the “doing hard things“ and what I’ve struggled with is BEING - being in the ease, in the flow and the fluidity of just being. Sometimes when you can do hard things, you need to learn how to do the easy things. Especially when the easy things seem hard. XO.
You nailed it Christina! I think we often have it backward in our hustle culture and the softer side of being becomes very difficult. It's like we need to train our brain and our body to slow down. Now - I get that these are words we see ALL THE TIME, so often that we go ya, ya and tune them out. But when we truly implement allowing into our life it is so much harder than our thinking minds expect. Yet, when the world feels like it's crashing down perhaps that's what we must lean on. You are doing amazing work teaching this to the folks who run the show and that's how true change will happen.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment❤️You have been on my mind lately and I've been wanting to check in so it's great to see you here.
This world is all stirred up and the sludge from the bottom of the container is floating everywhere. There’s no point in putting on rose colored glasses. We have to face it. But like you say, the work isn’t out there, it’s inside.
Trouble used to be my middle name. I was involved in hijinks all the time involving alcohol and silly behaviour. Nowadays, I limit myself to just silly behaviour. Funny thing, without the alcohol, I rarely need to worry about law enforcement anymore!
I love meeting fellow reformed kindred souls, like you, who have cleared away many habits that were not serving them to see the good stuff underneath (kinda like what's happening with our world these days). Yes, we must face what is really going on while holding on to our belief that it will get better.
As always thanks for being here Tim.
It's strange: I've never been averse to risk, but when I've taken them and they haven't worked out, they've always been referendums on my self-worth - until recently! So that's been the major change in my outlook: to take the risk, but not let it be about Me if it doesn't work out - nor if it succeeds - it's just another step on the path of life, and I can always take another one, and another, and another. As always, I feel like I'm right there with you, my dear, sipping a latte and feeling at peace. And you KNOW I've been in the back of a cop car AND an ER after some bad choices... 😂🩷☕
I am so glad you made it out alive and are here to tell your tale Troy😘
I appreciate the way you word this about risk being a referendum on self-worth!!! I have never considered it quite in that context and I feel like it's a palm slap to the forehead - duh! That is exactly what it is and, only now reading your thoughtful comment, do I see that without personal risk I don't feel like I matter as much.
WOW!
There is much work to be done on this side of the ocean (I'm referring to my own mind and heart, not the political situ, although there is that too!) Thank you so much for opening things up this way💕