Such a good read, Donna! I have been stunningly tired in the last while - and fear (aha - one of the words!) I have been wading around in all that mess you describe. I am consciously working my way out - although it may be a 'Kermit Moment'. But, regardless, perfect timing for going back and reading this. Thanks for the work you put in. It shows in the quality of your writing.
Thanks for your kind words Hil❤️ I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling exhausted. It seems we can only dig our way out of the hole one step at at time, hopefully the longer days will help you feel a little more energized.
Thank you so much for being here, it means a lot! Sending you all big smooches.
Ohhh how exciting! A new series. I’m very much looking forward to this. I also think it is a very important subject to tackle.
While I, like many others, still have my own issues with a sense of guilt, the first time I ever realised the power it had over me was when I got sober and went to therapy. I harboured a lot of unresolved guilt for things I’d done or ways I’d acted while I was abusing substances and in its worst moments that guilt made me feel as though I didn’t deserve anything good in my life, which made me block off and shy away from positive things because I felt unworthy. It was a viscous cycle. And so, on that cheery note, trust me when I say I’m excited to read your series haha :)
You totally nailed it with the sense of unworthiness Michael. As you'll see in the post this week I feel that a sense of our own worth may be at the root of many feelings of guilt. Perhaps this is greater in people who are highly sensitive? I have only myself and my coaching clients to compare it to and it often seems to be that way.
I'm so glad you're excited about the series and hope it lives up to the hype (yikes!)
Like you, I could never say for sure, as I only have my own experience to draw from, but it wouldn’t surprise me if sensitive types are more susceptible to such things.
So familiar with those feelings that worm their way so deeply into our minds that they show up in our body. Really looking forward to this series, Donna! 💜
It is a familiar feeling for sure but I'm hoping that being able to identify what is not guilt even though it feels like guilt might be helpful to lay it to rest or at least shift the conversation in our head.
As always, thanks for being here Troy. Your steady presence is a blessing (sorry, I don't mean that as a pressure tactic🤣) ❤️❤️
Guilt-such a worthy topic! Love that you disentangled it from shame who we are vs. what we did), fear, self-doubt, and all its other surrogates. Look forward to the series.
Thanks Janice. I'm sure you would have a lot to professionally say on this topic. I am tackling it from a layperson's perspective and it's like eating an elephant because it's so huge🤣 and can be examined from every angle. I hope I do it justice.
I agree Dee, I am all for moving on from past mistakes. We might have to make amends and clear the air but we can't carry regret with us for the rest of our days.
A timely topic, Donna, for your audience of US readers, especially, but for anyone guilty of surviving a moment with even a bare glimmer of hope and anyone too exhausted to show up with a casserole (what we, in the American South, take to a funeral). I look forward to reading this series.
This is a good point Renee, when things are difficult, or we are grieving, we feel guilty if we can find moments of joy. It's as if we've been brainwashed into thinking we must stay in the grey zone to do justice to our true feelings instead of recognizing that it's an ebb and flow.
Ah, this is exactly the kind of thing I want to write about so stay tuned. Keep in mind I have zero education in psychology but I would say that you feeling bad about this issue is not guilt but societal (and possibly familial) pressure that makes you uncomfortable. You not contributing financially is a decision you, and your family, made for many reasons and all of them were likely very solid and fell within your value system. Therefore you are staying in integrity by making that choice but the pressure from outside makes you feel like you should feel bad, 'guilt', about it. This is what I'm trying to deconstruct for myself too. It's not easy and requires vigilance cause it's so sneaky.
Ya, it's interesting how things morph and change throughout our lives. What is okay for awhile no longer feels okay. I guess that's why growth is uncomfortable (which sounds like such a cop-out but it's true.) ❤️
This is powerful stuff. I’m usually pretty good at whittling down to my true emotion. Ie: Fear of moving to a new place. Fear of anti semitism in new place. The only time I feel guilt is if I allow myself to go into the past and wonder what I could have done differently in a certain situation. But the past is there to learn, repent, do better. History is the reminder. Looking forward to this series. 🥰🙏👏
"The false behind my midnight thoughts"! This is brilliant Carrie, thank you for sharing this. Yes, guilt, or what we pretend is guilt, can certainly rob our happiness.💕
Oh boy, this series is going to be a hard look in the mirror for me. I've learned through losing my son that many parents (me included) feel tremendous guilt wondering what we could've done differently, were we good enough parents, blah blah. I feel like I will never let go of underlying guilt.
I wish I was a wise crone who would be able to offer you words of comfort that were so good they would allow you to put down the burden of senseless guilt Kristi, but unfortunately I'm just muddling through trying to figure it out too.
I love the words of one of my favorite women, Dr. Ellen Langer from Harvard, who says there is no such thing as a wrong decision because we all do what we think is best at that moment in time, or we wouldn't do it. Sometimes it takes constant effort to remind ourselves that we did the best we could even if, from this vantage point, it doesn't seem good enough.
I hear you about a hard look in the mirror! We can look, and gasp, and swear together and, when it seems like too much, we can look at the picture of your lovely dog being a unicorn!
I actually do remind myself that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. And, does anyone ever truly know how to parent?? It's friggin hard even without society throwing its curve balls.
I was struck by the suggestion that guilt is hiding a deeper emotion. Though I do it all the time with anger, I've never thought to do it with guilt. But it seems fitting. Looking forward to more of this series!
This is how it went for me too Kristi. I realized that this low level subtle sense of pressure that feels like guilt is likely something else and it led me down a rabbit hole of exploration that I thought other folks might be interested in too. As always, I'm so glad you're here for the ride and we can learn together!
Such a good read, Donna! I have been stunningly tired in the last while - and fear (aha - one of the words!) I have been wading around in all that mess you describe. I am consciously working my way out - although it may be a 'Kermit Moment'. But, regardless, perfect timing for going back and reading this. Thanks for the work you put in. It shows in the quality of your writing.
Thanks for your kind words Hil❤️ I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling exhausted. It seems we can only dig our way out of the hole one step at at time, hopefully the longer days will help you feel a little more energized.
Thank you so much for being here, it means a lot! Sending you all big smooches.
Ohhh how exciting! A new series. I’m very much looking forward to this. I also think it is a very important subject to tackle.
While I, like many others, still have my own issues with a sense of guilt, the first time I ever realised the power it had over me was when I got sober and went to therapy. I harboured a lot of unresolved guilt for things I’d done or ways I’d acted while I was abusing substances and in its worst moments that guilt made me feel as though I didn’t deserve anything good in my life, which made me block off and shy away from positive things because I felt unworthy. It was a viscous cycle. And so, on that cheery note, trust me when I say I’m excited to read your series haha :)
You totally nailed it with the sense of unworthiness Michael. As you'll see in the post this week I feel that a sense of our own worth may be at the root of many feelings of guilt. Perhaps this is greater in people who are highly sensitive? I have only myself and my coaching clients to compare it to and it often seems to be that way.
I'm so glad you're excited about the series and hope it lives up to the hype (yikes!)
Like you, I could never say for sure, as I only have my own experience to draw from, but it wouldn’t surprise me if sensitive types are more susceptible to such things.
I’m sure it will exceed the hype :)
So familiar with those feelings that worm their way so deeply into our minds that they show up in our body. Really looking forward to this series, Donna! 💜
It is a familiar feeling for sure but I'm hoping that being able to identify what is not guilt even though it feels like guilt might be helpful to lay it to rest or at least shift the conversation in our head.
As always, thanks for being here Troy. Your steady presence is a blessing (sorry, I don't mean that as a pressure tactic🤣) ❤️❤️
Anything for you, my dear 😂💙
😘
Guilt-such a worthy topic! Love that you disentangled it from shame who we are vs. what we did), fear, self-doubt, and all its other surrogates. Look forward to the series.
Alice it's lovely to see you here! Thank you for your kind words, I look forward to having you on board for this series.
Hi Donna,
I've found that guilt—and shame—can play a significant role in a person's life and sense of self. I look forward to seeing this topic being addressed.
I have every confidence you will do it justice.
Thanks buddy!
Thanks Janice. I'm sure you would have a lot to professionally say on this topic. I am tackling it from a layperson's perspective and it's like eating an elephant because it's so huge🤣 and can be examined from every angle. I hope I do it justice.
Even opening the door is a wonderful step in the right direction!
Great topic Donna. Here’s my contribution. Fuck guilt. The past is history. I’ll let you know how that’s working out for me 😂🙏
I agree Dee, I am all for moving on from past mistakes. We might have to make amends and clear the air but we can't carry regret with us for the rest of our days.
A timely topic, Donna, for your audience of US readers, especially, but for anyone guilty of surviving a moment with even a bare glimmer of hope and anyone too exhausted to show up with a casserole (what we, in the American South, take to a funeral). I look forward to reading this series.
This is a good point Renee, when things are difficult, or we are grieving, we feel guilty if we can find moments of joy. It's as if we've been brainwashed into thinking we must stay in the grey zone to do justice to our true feelings instead of recognizing that it's an ebb and flow.
OMG. I just thought of a big ass guilt trip for me— I have never truly contributed financially to our income. Guilt-ridden mama here.
I don't think I could ever feel guilty for that lol. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to not have to contribute financially to life 🤣
Ah, this is exactly the kind of thing I want to write about so stay tuned. Keep in mind I have zero education in psychology but I would say that you feeling bad about this issue is not guilt but societal (and possibly familial) pressure that makes you uncomfortable. You not contributing financially is a decision you, and your family, made for many reasons and all of them were likely very solid and fell within your value system. Therefore you are staying in integrity by making that choice but the pressure from outside makes you feel like you should feel bad, 'guilt', about it. This is what I'm trying to deconstruct for myself too. It's not easy and requires vigilance cause it's so sneaky.
Thx. Great points. The guilt has changed since the kids left. Before it was fine being a SAHM but being empty nesters the guilt is for reals.
Ya, it's interesting how things morph and change throughout our lives. What is okay for awhile no longer feels okay. I guess that's why growth is uncomfortable (which sounds like such a cop-out but it's true.) ❤️
So true. 🙏🙏
This is powerful stuff. I’m usually pretty good at whittling down to my true emotion. Ie: Fear of moving to a new place. Fear of anti semitism in new place. The only time I feel guilt is if I allow myself to go into the past and wonder what I could have done differently in a certain situation. But the past is there to learn, repent, do better. History is the reminder. Looking forward to this series. 🥰🙏👏
I look forward to your feedback and comments as I wind my way through this complex topic!
Guilt is such a happiness stealer. But I am working on conquering the false behind my midnight thoughts. ❤️
"The false behind my midnight thoughts"! This is brilliant Carrie, thank you for sharing this. Yes, guilt, or what we pretend is guilt, can certainly rob our happiness.💕
I am working on a new care plan for myself and work through the why of the thoughts that keep me awake at night!
It all takes effort but it’s so worthwhile!
Oh boy, this series is going to be a hard look in the mirror for me. I've learned through losing my son that many parents (me included) feel tremendous guilt wondering what we could've done differently, were we good enough parents, blah blah. I feel like I will never let go of underlying guilt.
I wish I was a wise crone who would be able to offer you words of comfort that were so good they would allow you to put down the burden of senseless guilt Kristi, but unfortunately I'm just muddling through trying to figure it out too.
I love the words of one of my favorite women, Dr. Ellen Langer from Harvard, who says there is no such thing as a wrong decision because we all do what we think is best at that moment in time, or we wouldn't do it. Sometimes it takes constant effort to remind ourselves that we did the best we could even if, from this vantage point, it doesn't seem good enough.
I hear you about a hard look in the mirror! We can look, and gasp, and swear together and, when it seems like too much, we can look at the picture of your lovely dog being a unicorn!
I actually do remind myself that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. And, does anyone ever truly know how to parent?? It's friggin hard even without society throwing its curve balls.
No manual, no learner's permit...the hardest job in the entire world and we are all just winging it.
Healing ❤️
Yes❤️
I was struck by the suggestion that guilt is hiding a deeper emotion. Though I do it all the time with anger, I've never thought to do it with guilt. But it seems fitting. Looking forward to more of this series!
This is how it went for me too Kristi. I realized that this low level subtle sense of pressure that feels like guilt is likely something else and it led me down a rabbit hole of exploration that I thought other folks might be interested in too. As always, I'm so glad you're here for the ride and we can learn together!
This was such a wonderful read—D, you have a real talent for making complex ideas feel effortless. xx
Oh Sweetie, thank you so much. I deeply appreciate your presence here (as well as your nudges to check my comments section)💕 xoxo