The best insurance policy against hard things
there isn't one, but here's the next best thing
The circle of life has been on my mind this week. Contemplating the reality of it has left me weak-kneed and begging for mercy (dramatic but true)!
Heartsore, I have watched my elderly, ill Mom make a very difficult journey to arrive at exactly the place she mightily expressed she never wanted to be. Still alive when she would prefer otherwise. I observe her life path in wonder (not the good kind) that humans are called to bear the very thing we fear the most, the hell-on-earth variety.
It took a little time for me to identify the grief I’m feeling. I gave it all the usual handles we use in our daily life - exhaustion, frustration (not with my Mom but the system), logistical confusion…until I finally recognized what I was experiencing was heartache as well as the very palpable fear that my Mom’s health journey might be my own.
The grief part is obvious – I have but a few weeks left with my Mom before she will no longer know who I am. I am deeply sad and she is confusedly sad.
The fear part is much sneakier. That pesky unease masks itself as irritation and exhaustion when what is truly going on is much bigger.
My desire in writing this newsletter is to help us peel back the layers of our daily life to see what lies below the surface. It becomes too easy to skim over our important emotions. Our lower-level self may make a list or go for a run. He may work longer hours or follow clickbait online. Any convenient task will do if it helps us turn away. When we feel that stress or anxiety - if the knot in our tummy is our new roommate - it’s a signal we have a layer to pull back. We are being beckoned by our inner knowing, it is calling us to turn and face our fear by naming what is below the surface. In my case, fear that what my Mom is going through may also happen to me. The thought scares the hell out of me.
A quick side note: facing our fears can be scary. The most important thing my friend, is that you stay safe. This is a reminder that I have no psychology background; my writing is purely based on personal experience and learning. If you are feeling vulnerable, please reach out to a professional to help you.
We are looking for an insurance policy against hard things and heartbreak but there isn’t one. As best I can see, the only thing we can do is to love with our whole heart and grieve with our whole heart. We can take appropriate measures to minimize risk (thank you science for showing us the way) while at the same time surrendering to the knowledge that there is no guarantee.
What does this actually look like in daily life? I think it demands emotional maturity, taking responsibility and working to grow, using our breath to give us space, some kind of contemplative practice, taking care of our physical body, and tending to our relationships. Easy! Just kidding, I know it’s not easy but it’s also not rocket science. Living and grieving with a whole heart and learning to face our fears means we show up fully even when we don’t want to.
As well, I choose to remind myself there are things I do not understand, and trust life is unfolding as it should.
Is this a cop-out? Perhaps.
Does it make me feel better? Yes.
Do I believe it? Well, it IS unfolding and there IS nothing I can do about it, other than take the action steps I have already taken. So, I guess I have to say it’s unfolding as it should. I would rather it not be happening at all. Except that it is.
I searched for a prayer to share today but nothing felt right so I made my own. You can listen to it here.
A prayer for a hard time
Dear God (or whatever word fits your paradigm),
May you provide me with whatever I need to get through this hard time.
Help me find strength I do not know I have.
Please hold me in your light so I feel calm, even if it’s just in little snippets of time, and may that be enough.
Please help me to hold a light that is strong enough to guide those around me to a safe place.
Thank you.
If you are going through a hard time I wish you peace in your heart, a tiny lightness of being that wiggles in between the cracks of the heavy and, in doing so, eases the journey.
My whole self thanks you for being here❤
It’s been my dream to write, teach and build a lovely online community. I am kicking off the first workshop, Mindset for Real People: Science-based, concrete tools to create a better life, on Wednesdsay, September 20 at 11:00 MST.
To CELEBRATE I am offering this first one to all subscribers, both free and paid. Every workshop after this will be available to only paid subscribers. As a subscriber you will also have access to the replay. I hope you join me.
Did you know one of the main reasons we procrastinate is exhaustion? By the time we’ve done the daily tasks of adulting, there may be little energy left for growth and momentum.
Personally, and collectively, many of us are emotionally, spiritually & physically ragged which has left us feeling depleted. Perhaps you’re feeling a desire for things to be different, yet no idea how to make it happen.
Maybe you simply want to FEEL better, or at least have the energy to cope. Perhaps your irritation button is on red alert, and you can’t seem to turn it off? I have been all of these things, sometimes at once! So, I’ve left no stone unturned in my quest to shift my life, elevate my energy, and feel better. If you want to know a little more about me click here.
Join me for Module 1 on Wednesday, September 20 at 10:00am MST (you will receive the recording via email if you cannot attend so will have access to the whole program).
Here are a few things we will be talking about the first month:
What is a better life and how do you get the courage to create it?
Why do we resist change so much and how can we move past that?
Why mindset is more than just a cultural buzzword and how you can shift it.
How can you live from a place of strength to feel more alive?
I would love to have you join me. ❤
As you move into this week Dear One, may you go with an open heart and pay attention. It is the only way forward.
With love,
Donna
P.S. Do you have any effective techniques to face your fears? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.
P.S.S. OK, now I’m getting irritating (sorry), please hit the ❤button to share your love.
It is so hard to lose a parent this way. I felt like a child standing on the shore while my father walked into a dark mist. Then I told myself he was walking toward that light on the horizon. My heart goes out to you.
A parent's dementia will cast a shroud of worry over our senior years. Every time I lose my keys, I wonder if I am walking into that mist.
Thank you for sharing and articulating perfectly what I'm experiencing following the loss of my father and watching my mother decline. May you have strength to get through this difficult time and may the fear abate.