It is so hard to lose a parent this way. I felt like a child standing on the shore while my father walked into a dark mist. Then I told myself he was walking toward that light on the horizon. My heart goes out to you.
A parent's dementia will cast a shroud of worry over our senior years. Every time I lose my keys, I wonder if I am walking into that mist.
I do need to focus more on her walking to the light. I tend to keep looking at how much she would not want this. But it's here so I will work harder on shifting.
'A shroud of worry', that's a good line. Sometimes the shroud is sheer and wispy and other days it feels like it's made of heavy velvet.
Thank you for sharing and articulating perfectly what I'm experiencing following the loss of my father and watching my mother decline. May you have strength to get through this difficult time and may the fear abate.
Teri, thank you for taking the time to read my post given all you have on your plate. My heart feels your heart and I hope each day gets a little easier. I think it's like a wave going up and down, right? That's what I noticed with my Dad.
Beautiful! I so admire your honest vulnerability here. Loss can be such a sacred time of growth, no matter how it happens. My mother’s passing happened in about a year after her diagnosis; and 8 months after my father left us. I found St. Francis’ prayer to be a great source of comfort and strength during that time. I would recite it aloud before meditation every day. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us.
Julie thank you so much. I really love 'a sacred time of growth', what a beautiful way to honour this time. As we know, those special times call us to stretch and bend in unexpected ways to create an entirely different vessel to hold our spirit.
I seem to be experiencing a great deal of loss of late: death of loved ones, urgent travel, loss of physical and emotional energy and more. I will be singing at a dear ones Celebration on Saturday. The song is very comforting and uplifting to me. I love the message.
A Gathering of Spirits by Carrie Newcomer
"Let it go, My love, my truest
Let it sail on silver wings
Life's a twinkling, that's for certain
But it's such a fine thing.
There's a gathering of spirits
There's a festival of friends
And we'll take up where we left off
When we all meet again.
I can't explain it
I couldn't if I tried.
How the only things we carry
Are the things we hold inside.
Like a day in the open
Like a love we won't forget
Like the laughter that we started
And it hasn't died down yet."
That's the chorus and first verse.
Another beautiful song in trying times of death and grief is Light in The Distance by Elles Baily.
I'm pretty sure you will need a tissue for this one but it clears the mind and soul.
I am very connected to the healing power of music. Sometimes it uplifts and sometimes it moves the tears upwards out outwards. IT is so good to completely puddle up.
Adele, it means the world to me that you shared the lyrics to this beautiful song❤ Today, may they land in the heart of the person who needs them most, may that person feel held in grace, if even for a moment, to ease their pain.
May you feel these things too My Dear, you have just faced so much hardship this year. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are a bright and shining light, helping others through their troubles and I hope you have someone to help you through yours. I am here when you need me.
This is amazing. The only way is through. Prayers are powerful. We are able to use this great power through knowing it is there for us. Thank you for lifting up hearts and lighting the world up with your work. May the Eternal bless you with everglowing light. Peace peace peace ❤️
I feel this piece so much, thank you for talking about your experience. I am, at the moment, watching my own mother (70) struggle with care for her mother (96) and all of us are grieving for each other and the hardship of being in a long death rather than a long life. It's exhausting and scary (as you say, this will be us too before too long) and there are no easy solutions. No one is happy. Why do we not speak about this more? Why is there not better support? How can it all feel so inadequate when it is the most inevitable thing in the world. Death is no surprise. Urgh. Sending love to you, and solidarity in some small way xx
Ruth, I appreciate the read and the comment very much! Also, that you used the word solidarity felt...solid! It's interesting the feeling that comes with that word, it's like a sense of different boat but same ocean!
I agree that it's almost as if death is one of the last remaining taboo conversations. There is increased awareness beginning in some areas and hopefully it will grow. We all die and it should be normalized and honored.
Dear Donna. I have no words for this hardship. Of course you are meeting it with the courage and wisdom you have worked for. There you are, showing up in spades to give generous attention to my posts and those of others here in the last few days, while all the while, your heart is breaking. Dear Donna, there is a special place in heaven with your name on it. May you have the gift of surprise after surprise of grace with your mother, easing your fears and reminding you that love is never predictable and never contained. Sending a bucket of it -- ❤️
Your words touch my heart Tara, thank you. You are right that love is never predictable or contained so I will hold that front of mind.
My Mom is sleeping a lot these days which means I can be with her but also take comfort in the beautiful writing of everyone who is here. The timing has been perfect.
I have read this post several times before responding. I’ve read it also in the context of the one last week on mood and the layers you peel back here and show us the power of doing so. I’ll say no more about that here but to thank you. I wish to move on to what you share about your mom . . . and you. What it must feel like to see into the future of your mother’s declining memory, I can only imagine. I can only imagine the grief and fear and bewilderment and concern you must feel. I can only imagine the outpouring of love.
Dear Donna, You post was heartfelt and engaging., Thank You so much...If your mom has dementia or alzheimers (I wasn't clear on this) but if this is the case have you heard of Dr. Mary Newport? This is her site and she has an amazing story of helping to heal her husband.'s alzheimers with coconut (mct) oil & wrote a book on it after the ama establishment wouldn't let her speak at conferences... usagainstalzheimers.org/content/march-2015-can-coconut-oil-really-help-alzheimers... Also, Dr Dale Bredesen, M.D. is an expert in the mechanisms of neurodegenerative diseases such as Alzheimer's disease. (apollohealthco.com) He has great youtube videos and treats patients with organic coconut oil and vit B12. After my freind had emergency brain surgery she woke up with unusual dementia. The coconut oil & B vitamins really help her get more clarity as neurons rebuild. Please share this informaiton because there is so much cutting edge discoveries, mainstream often doesn't hear. about
Many Blessings to you and your mom... with Love & Light, jane
Jane, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I appreicate it!
I haven't heard of Dr Newport but am very familiar with Bredesen's work, it's exciting stuff. One of the biggest aspects of his protocol is movement. Sadly, my Mom is far too advanced in her cognitive decline for these to be helpful.
I found once she was in a senior's facility it was much more difficult to adhere to any of these programs as they don't allow non-prescribed vitamin supplements etc. and she could no longer rememember to do any of it on her own.
I have a friend who has had excellent success with Bredesen's work, he was part of the initial study so has been involved the entire time and the results have been excellent. I will be turning to that for myself as I move through the years.
Hi Donna, so startled to hear vitamins and coconut oil would not be allowed in a senior facility.
We need more support as we age because of the lack of digestive enzyme production to transport the nutrients we eat... What is so interesting is the coco/mct oil by-passes the digestive track (unlike glucose) and goes straight to the brain to feed it. Pretty amazing...
I feel for you both, Donna. We never know what our future brings...
Sending You and your Mom many Blessings for the Best of what there is... for every moment is a miracle in the making.
Hi Donna, If this is the reason with your mom, .....Are you aware of Dr Dale Bredesen, M.D. is an expert in the mechanisms of neurodegenerative diseases such as Alzheimer's disease? Check him out. I discovered him when my friend had brain surgery and now has dementia. I guided her with organic coconut oil (or the mct part as well) along with vitmain B12 (although I suggest all the B vits) & it really makes a difference in building new neurons. Check him out on the internet. Lots of links, talks on youtube. Also at Apollo health. Dr Mary Newport who wrote a great book. her site usagainstalzheimers.org/content/march-2015-can-coconut-oil-really-help-alzheimers has an amazing story with her husband & her quest to help heal him. Please don't wait to start implementing this information with anyone you know.. Best wishes dear Donna...Love & Light, jane
I’m so sorry about your mama. That must have been a difficult visit leaving you with so many emotions. Apparently fear and excitement light up the same way in the brain. If there’s a future event I can’t control I tell myself fear is pointless. Meditation, prayer and visualizing are helpful. Sending hugs and love. ❤️
Donna, this absolutely melted my heart. I can imagine how hard this season of life must be for you and I appreciate you for writing so beautifully about how your feelings. Life is absolutely crazy. Most things don't go as planned no matter how hard we try. Sometimes it's so important to let go, take a deep breath and see what life has in store for us. It does not make us weak or ignorant. We're just learning how to peacefully flow with whatever's happening around us.
Mansi thank you so very much for taking the time to comment on my post! Your words are very wise.
Learning to peacefully flow with whatever is happening around us is vital. This type of being was never modeled to me in my childhood but I am determined to move through life in a different way than my ancestors. I guess one cannot actually be determined to be peaceful, that may go against the flow! I am intentional about releasing, how about that?
Also, perhaps we need to get "Life is absolutely crazy" printed on a Tshirt?!
That's such an interesting perspective. Letting go can be so freeing.
I relate to you wanting to proceed with more intention in your life than your ancestors. I feel like we're in the same boat, trying to carve our own path when it comes to leading an intentional life. I can attest that it's been so fulfilling so far and I love how every experience has brought me closer to my inner self.
Haha, "Life is absolutely crazy" Tshirts could indeed be a fashion statement at this point. Four words that speak volumes about everyone's experience on Earth!🌻🌍
I think you make a really good point about how we dive into anything we can to avoid the deeper fears we need to confront - and I really respect that you’re confronting these inner fears. And I think it’s wonderful that you speak about your experience with your Substack as I’m sure it inspires others to confront their fears - in fact, I know it does, because it helps me.
Thanks Donna and I wish you all the best during this hard time with your Mum.
Ohh and I’m not sure if it’s a technique but one way I push myself to face my fears, is by reminding myself that it always feels worse not facing the fear than it does actually facing it, not only that but the suffering that comes from not facing the fear goes on indefinitely.
Thank you Michael. As always, I appreciate your support. I think reminding ourselves that turning away hurts more in the end is a useful tool as long as we also recognize that there are times we simply cannot face the thing right now, and that's ok too. I guess it's about intentional living which is always a work in progress.
Hi Donna, I wish you the same "peace in your heart, a tiny lightness of being that wiggles in between the cracks of the heavy and, in doing so, eases the journey." I would add a journey that is not wanted or easy, but part of life it seems. Take care of yourself as you go forward - the strength will be there as you need it.
Many times, I didn't think I could go on - but a word, a hug, a song, something someone said would give the - whatever I needed - to go on a bit longer. It was a gift that made such a difference - more than once.
It is so hard to lose a parent this way. I felt like a child standing on the shore while my father walked into a dark mist. Then I told myself he was walking toward that light on the horizon. My heart goes out to you.
A parent's dementia will cast a shroud of worry over our senior years. Every time I lose my keys, I wonder if I am walking into that mist.
I do need to focus more on her walking to the light. I tend to keep looking at how much she would not want this. But it's here so I will work harder on shifting.
'A shroud of worry', that's a good line. Sometimes the shroud is sheer and wispy and other days it feels like it's made of heavy velvet.
Thanks for your support, I appreciate it❤
Thank you for sharing and articulating perfectly what I'm experiencing following the loss of my father and watching my mother decline. May you have strength to get through this difficult time and may the fear abate.
Teri, thank you for taking the time to read my post given all you have on your plate. My heart feels your heart and I hope each day gets a little easier. I think it's like a wave going up and down, right? That's what I noticed with my Dad.
Beautiful! I so admire your honest vulnerability here. Loss can be such a sacred time of growth, no matter how it happens. My mother’s passing happened in about a year after her diagnosis; and 8 months after my father left us. I found St. Francis’ prayer to be a great source of comfort and strength during that time. I would recite it aloud before meditation every day. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us.
Julie thank you so much. I really love 'a sacred time of growth', what a beautiful way to honour this time. As we know, those special times call us to stretch and bend in unexpected ways to create an entirely different vessel to hold our spirit.
Beautiful image. 💔
I did not know you were going through this with your Mom, Donna, I am imagining rays of light flowing back to you. 🌟🕯️💛
Thanks so much Troy, I'll take all the light I can get!
I seem to be experiencing a great deal of loss of late: death of loved ones, urgent travel, loss of physical and emotional energy and more. I will be singing at a dear ones Celebration on Saturday. The song is very comforting and uplifting to me. I love the message.
A Gathering of Spirits by Carrie Newcomer
"Let it go, My love, my truest
Let it sail on silver wings
Life's a twinkling, that's for certain
But it's such a fine thing.
There's a gathering of spirits
There's a festival of friends
And we'll take up where we left off
When we all meet again.
I can't explain it
I couldn't if I tried.
How the only things we carry
Are the things we hold inside.
Like a day in the open
Like a love we won't forget
Like the laughter that we started
And it hasn't died down yet."
That's the chorus and first verse.
Another beautiful song in trying times of death and grief is Light in The Distance by Elles Baily.
I'm pretty sure you will need a tissue for this one but it clears the mind and soul.
I am very connected to the healing power of music. Sometimes it uplifts and sometimes it moves the tears upwards out outwards. IT is so good to completely puddle up.
It's tough!
Adele, it means the world to me that you shared the lyrics to this beautiful song❤ Today, may they land in the heart of the person who needs them most, may that person feel held in grace, if even for a moment, to ease their pain.
May you feel these things too My Dear, you have just faced so much hardship this year. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are a bright and shining light, helping others through their troubles and I hope you have someone to help you through yours. I am here when you need me.
This is amazing. The only way is through. Prayers are powerful. We are able to use this great power through knowing it is there for us. Thank you for lifting up hearts and lighting the world up with your work. May the Eternal bless you with everglowing light. Peace peace peace ❤️
Thank you for your lovely and kind words Paolo, may peace be with you too❤
I feel this piece so much, thank you for talking about your experience. I am, at the moment, watching my own mother (70) struggle with care for her mother (96) and all of us are grieving for each other and the hardship of being in a long death rather than a long life. It's exhausting and scary (as you say, this will be us too before too long) and there are no easy solutions. No one is happy. Why do we not speak about this more? Why is there not better support? How can it all feel so inadequate when it is the most inevitable thing in the world. Death is no surprise. Urgh. Sending love to you, and solidarity in some small way xx
Ruth, I appreciate the read and the comment very much! Also, that you used the word solidarity felt...solid! It's interesting the feeling that comes with that word, it's like a sense of different boat but same ocean!
I agree that it's almost as if death is one of the last remaining taboo conversations. There is increased awareness beginning in some areas and hopefully it will grow. We all die and it should be normalized and honored.
Dear Donna. I have no words for this hardship. Of course you are meeting it with the courage and wisdom you have worked for. There you are, showing up in spades to give generous attention to my posts and those of others here in the last few days, while all the while, your heart is breaking. Dear Donna, there is a special place in heaven with your name on it. May you have the gift of surprise after surprise of grace with your mother, easing your fears and reminding you that love is never predictable and never contained. Sending a bucket of it -- ❤️
Your words touch my heart Tara, thank you. You are right that love is never predictable or contained so I will hold that front of mind.
My Mom is sleeping a lot these days which means I can be with her but also take comfort in the beautiful writing of everyone who is here. The timing has been perfect.
Donna,
I have read this post several times before responding. I’ve read it also in the context of the one last week on mood and the layers you peel back here and show us the power of doing so. I’ll say no more about that here but to thank you. I wish to move on to what you share about your mom . . . and you. What it must feel like to see into the future of your mother’s declining memory, I can only imagine. I can only imagine the grief and fear and bewilderment and concern you must feel. I can only imagine the outpouring of love.
Holding you both with prayers for ease.
With love,
Renée
Renee, I appreciate your heartfelt response as well as your prayer for ease. xox
🙏 (when a "like" won't do but words won't come)
Dear Donna, You post was heartfelt and engaging., Thank You so much...If your mom has dementia or alzheimers (I wasn't clear on this) but if this is the case have you heard of Dr. Mary Newport? This is her site and she has an amazing story of helping to heal her husband.'s alzheimers with coconut (mct) oil & wrote a book on it after the ama establishment wouldn't let her speak at conferences... usagainstalzheimers.org/content/march-2015-can-coconut-oil-really-help-alzheimers... Also, Dr Dale Bredesen, M.D. is an expert in the mechanisms of neurodegenerative diseases such as Alzheimer's disease. (apollohealthco.com) He has great youtube videos and treats patients with organic coconut oil and vit B12. After my freind had emergency brain surgery she woke up with unusual dementia. The coconut oil & B vitamins really help her get more clarity as neurons rebuild. Please share this informaiton because there is so much cutting edge discoveries, mainstream often doesn't hear. about
Many Blessings to you and your mom... with Love & Light, jane
Jane, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I appreicate it!
I haven't heard of Dr Newport but am very familiar with Bredesen's work, it's exciting stuff. One of the biggest aspects of his protocol is movement. Sadly, my Mom is far too advanced in her cognitive decline for these to be helpful.
I found once she was in a senior's facility it was much more difficult to adhere to any of these programs as they don't allow non-prescribed vitamin supplements etc. and she could no longer rememember to do any of it on her own.
I have a friend who has had excellent success with Bredesen's work, he was part of the initial study so has been involved the entire time and the results have been excellent. I will be turning to that for myself as I move through the years.
Hi Donna, so startled to hear vitamins and coconut oil would not be allowed in a senior facility.
We need more support as we age because of the lack of digestive enzyme production to transport the nutrients we eat... What is so interesting is the coco/mct oil by-passes the digestive track (unlike glucose) and goes straight to the brain to feed it. Pretty amazing...
I feel for you both, Donna. We never know what our future brings...
Sending You and your Mom many Blessings for the Best of what there is... for every moment is a miracle in the making.
Hi Donna, If this is the reason with your mom, .....Are you aware of Dr Dale Bredesen, M.D. is an expert in the mechanisms of neurodegenerative diseases such as Alzheimer's disease? Check him out. I discovered him when my friend had brain surgery and now has dementia. I guided her with organic coconut oil (or the mct part as well) along with vitmain B12 (although I suggest all the B vits) & it really makes a difference in building new neurons. Check him out on the internet. Lots of links, talks on youtube. Also at Apollo health. Dr Mary Newport who wrote a great book. her site usagainstalzheimers.org/content/march-2015-can-coconut-oil-really-help-alzheimers has an amazing story with her husband & her quest to help heal him. Please don't wait to start implementing this information with anyone you know.. Best wishes dear Donna...Love & Light, jane
I’m so sorry about your mama. That must have been a difficult visit leaving you with so many emotions. Apparently fear and excitement light up the same way in the brain. If there’s a future event I can’t control I tell myself fear is pointless. Meditation, prayer and visualizing are helpful. Sending hugs and love. ❤️
Thanks so much. I like that, fear is pointless. A simple yet great reminder.
Donna, this absolutely melted my heart. I can imagine how hard this season of life must be for you and I appreciate you for writing so beautifully about how your feelings. Life is absolutely crazy. Most things don't go as planned no matter how hard we try. Sometimes it's so important to let go, take a deep breath and see what life has in store for us. It does not make us weak or ignorant. We're just learning how to peacefully flow with whatever's happening around us.
Mansi thank you so very much for taking the time to comment on my post! Your words are very wise.
Learning to peacefully flow with whatever is happening around us is vital. This type of being was never modeled to me in my childhood but I am determined to move through life in a different way than my ancestors. I guess one cannot actually be determined to be peaceful, that may go against the flow! I am intentional about releasing, how about that?
Also, perhaps we need to get "Life is absolutely crazy" printed on a Tshirt?!
That's such an interesting perspective. Letting go can be so freeing.
I relate to you wanting to proceed with more intention in your life than your ancestors. I feel like we're in the same boat, trying to carve our own path when it comes to leading an intentional life. I can attest that it's been so fulfilling so far and I love how every experience has brought me closer to my inner self.
Haha, "Life is absolutely crazy" Tshirts could indeed be a fashion statement at this point. Four words that speak volumes about everyone's experience on Earth!🌻🌍
A very touching piece Donna.
I think you make a really good point about how we dive into anything we can to avoid the deeper fears we need to confront - and I really respect that you’re confronting these inner fears. And I think it’s wonderful that you speak about your experience with your Substack as I’m sure it inspires others to confront their fears - in fact, I know it does, because it helps me.
Thanks Donna and I wish you all the best during this hard time with your Mum.
Ohh and I’m not sure if it’s a technique but one way I push myself to face my fears, is by reminding myself that it always feels worse not facing the fear than it does actually facing it, not only that but the suffering that comes from not facing the fear goes on indefinitely.
Thank you Michael. As always, I appreciate your support. I think reminding ourselves that turning away hurts more in the end is a useful tool as long as we also recognize that there are times we simply cannot face the thing right now, and that's ok too. I guess it's about intentional living which is always a work in progress.
Hope all is well on that side of the world!
Very good point Donna, I couldn’t agree more.
:)
Thank you for sharing your difficult journey Donna. Blessings to you. 🙏
Appreciate that buddy!
Hi Donna, I wish you the same "peace in your heart, a tiny lightness of being that wiggles in between the cracks of the heavy and, in doing so, eases the journey." I would add a journey that is not wanted or easy, but part of life it seems. Take care of yourself as you go forward - the strength will be there as you need it.
Thank you Janice. I appreciate your words the strength will be there as you need it. I believe that to be true❤
Many times, I didn't think I could go on - but a word, a hug, a song, something someone said would give the - whatever I needed - to go on a bit longer. It was a gift that made such a difference - more than once.
That is a great reminder for living in general as well!